Hi I can point out a few changes that you may want to make:
I think that you need to strengthen your argument and make it more obvious which POV your are supporting- re-read this essay and try to find where you could add in more content, and give more reasons for the argument.
Saying phrases like "nowadays, to begin with, moreover" is not necessary and can distract from the content of your essay. dilemma about the main factor that shapes our personality
the "dilemma" is kind of vague (it means a problem)... either strengthen this statement or remove the dilemma part from the sentence. You mean to say, "Many people wonder what exactly forms an individual's personality." You also mean that there is a debate (not dilemma) over whether people's personality traits are innate or learned from their environment.
In this essay, I will try have chosen to point out my the reasons why I strongly support the idea that experience is the most important factor that can influence our personality as well as and development.
A person's characteristics
that we have may change during our lifetime. over the course of their lifetime.Taking into account all of these above,we may reach a conclusion that experience is the major factor of personality and development in our lives.
I would completely re-write this conclusion, it would look better if it was at least 3 sentences, and it should really wrap things up. Try to make it a little more interesting. Start out by saying: "Although many factors contribute to an individual's personality, environment seems to be the most influential."... then add a couple more sentences. Good luck!