Please I need help editing this essay.It's just a template I'm using for schools that'll ask why I want to study engineering!Tell me what you think!Thanks!
When I was a kid, my father had a small farm in our backyard where he grew crops as a subsistence farmer. I watched him put seeds in holes and I watched them transform into tall plants; it was a scintillating thing to observe. Out of childish exuberance, I built my own little farm beside my father's .I started out with beans, rice and pea seeds. I planted a portion of my farm with each of these seeds. I watered them daily like my dad did. I watched them germinate and after some days I saw them produce seeds as I expected. Out of random curiosity I decided to count the number of seeds on each type of plant on a regular 7-day interval. I then noted the numbers in my scrap book after each period. My curiosity led me further to consider whether exactly the same data would appear on paper if I repeated the planting of each crop. I tried it out and to my amazement, every single datum I had written down was consistent. My young mind became enthused on how I could predict the workings of nature. I decided to use what I had learnt to give myself a new challenge: I created an imaginary family in my head that I would provide a certain amount of seeds on some arbitrary interval I set. Using basic arithmetic ,I knew the amount of each portion of crop I had to plant to fit into the target number of seeds .I again became excited on how everything worked out. But my new found knowledge came yet with another hurdle. Pea plants could ,in the long run ,produce seeds about the same size as those of rice and beans, but their initial production rate was low because they took a much longer time to germinate. Therefore, if I had to cater for this imaginary family on a short run, I had to reduce the amount of pea plants I had so as to cultivate more of the other crops. This, for a ten year old me, was challenging to figure out because I hadn't yet known how to use the basic algebra I learnt at school in real life. I ,however ,counted with stones and used intuition to wriggle my way through this problem. More and more obstacles emerged; I savored demystifying them ,but little did I know that I was applying the scientific and engineering process of thinking. Scientific in the sense that I made an observation, proposed an hypothesis, tested it ,and successfully arrived at a conclusion. Engineering in the sense that I applied and manipulated my scientific knowledge to increasingly and efficiently provide for my imaginary family. However, it took secondary school to discover what both schools of thought were about.
'Sir, are there any other things we can try?' I asked.
'Yes but you have to discover for yourself. There are not much resources here for juniors'
'But I can give you a software that will help,' He continued.
'Yes I want it!'I replied enthusiastically.
It was my first year in junior secondary school, and my first experience in a laboratory. My integrated science teacher had just finished taking us on a laboratory science tour .From the commencement of the tour to the last experiment he performed-in which he used lemon fruits to power a bulb-I was amazed .I wanted to be more erudite in science. He gave me the software and when I got home the first thing I did was to use the family computer, which I considered mine(it had plethora of video games and superhero comics I made myself). I installed the software ,and it instituted my quest to explore the world of science. From then till now, I've not stopped inquiring. I have not evolved from being that boy that owned his little farm.
I love science because I'm curious. It also satisfies my obstinate penchant for solving problems. I may know how to ,say, solve the problem of an oscillating pendulum using Newtonian vector differential equation of motion, or calculate the molecular geometry of Nitrogen with MO theory ,but it doesn't stop there for me. I try to visualize more, even if it takes days, of something new. I might fail but ,surely ,neuroplasticity has created new pathways in my brain that will be useful in handling future difficulties. I am, however, more of what Richard Feynman would call an applied scientist. I engage in science not just because I enjoy it but also because I want to apply it in the real world. This is why I want to be an engineer. I want to venture deeper. I want to be involved hands-on in improving human life. And I believe ------- university can help me fulfil this dream. I have not yet decided what field of engineering I will delve into but mechanical ,EE, and chemical engineering still remain top on my list: they will best employ my mathematical vigour.
Atom, you need to revise the essay. When we talk of engineering, it speaks of building things from scratch. Things like creating a secondary power source from a battery as a child, or creating a transport system using chains and wheels, or those kinds of talk are what normally comprises an Engineering inspired essay. It is all about finding the beauty, mystery, and uses in the things that we take for granted in daily life. An engineering mind will take a look at a computer program and wonder, what else can I do to improve the program? Is this the best that this program can do? Then he will work on dissecting and improving the program. A mechanical engineer will take a look at the way a car works and asks himself,I wonder if I can make the car run on a steam engine to save on gasoline? Then he will develop that engine and make it work. That is the kind of reason and thinking that drives an engineering student.
At the moment, your essay is not really focused on engineering. It is focused on 3 different topics, none of which actually tells us how you developed your love for engineering. So try to chang e the content to reflect the development of your love for engineering instead to make the general prompt work.
Thank you Vangiespen.I don't really want to change my life story to something that is not true.Do you I think I should do that? Also,apart from the first paragraph,how do you find following paragraphs of the essay? Thanks!
I am not asking you to lie in your essay. I am asking you to choose the one topic in your essay that will allow you to discuss your desire to become an engineer instead of 3 topics all at once, most of which are not related to the prompt you are trying to answer. Let me give you a starting point for your essay. Use the following paragraph as the basis of the theme and content. Use this actual paragraph as your introduction.
I love science because I'm curious.
This will get you on track to explaining why you want to study engineering. Since it is supposed to be a generalized template, try to stick with only 5 paragraphs maximum since there will be other common app essays that you will need to write that will allow you to further reveal yourself as a student to the admissions officer. Develop the aforementioned paragraph and you will see that it will become easier for you to explain why you want to study engineering. If you hit a wall, come to us for advice. We will help you poke a hole into the wall :-)
Thank you Vangsepien.I don't know you,but you've been doing a lot of work on this forum lately.
Right now I am kind of confused on what you're telling me to do.The first paragraph of my essay is trying to portray my natural ability to explore the real world and solve problems in an agricultural scene,even without an initial exposure to the world of science and engineering.The second paragraph is trying to explain how I started "professionally." The third paragraph is furthermore explaining how I have been shaped since I started.Who I am.It answers "why I love science and engineering and why I want to further my knowledge there" directly.The next sentences will involve why I am interested in the particular school.
I don't understand why you hate that first paragraph :-)
So bring the 3rd paragraph up as your introductory paragraph. It is important to state your answer to the prompt directly at the start of the essay in order to keep the attention of the admissions officer on your essay. Remember that you do not need to be so wordy in your essay. You just need to keep it short and informative. Stick to only the most relevant information that you can provide. Don't present any dialogue in your essay because this is not a creative writing class. Dialogue information takes too long to present the necessary information. Just give your reader the straight facts.
You need to tell and not show in these types of essays because the reader does not have the time to wade through all your words to find the meaning of your essay. He has thousands more of essay to read and he will not waste his time reading a wordy essay that keeps the answer to the prompt in the 3rd paragraph. This is a general instruction for all essay prompts that your essay in particular will benefit from :-) I suggest that you rearrange the essay paragraphs to make it more informative. Review the essay as well and try to find places where you can cut down or delete sentences in order to keep the essay informative and short.
I am sorry I'm still asking more questions.If I use that introductory paragraph,I won't be able to talk about my life experiences.I will just delve into why I want to study in that particular school.So I'm kind of confused.How do you suggest I fix in the main point of the original first and second paragraph in the new essay you want me to write after I have used the third paragraph as introductory?
You can still talk about how your love for engineering developed. You just need to slide it down to the next few paragraphs instead of placing it at the top. Besides, the general prompt asks you why you want to study engineering, not why you love engineering. When answering common or general prompts, it is always best to just answer the question being asked instead of trying to throw in a tremendous amount of irrelevant information that the admissions officer can discover through your other common app essays. In this case, concentrate, don't deviate. Don't offer answers to questions that are not being asked. Just discuss why you want to study engineering. If you want to study it because you love it, then discuss how that love developed in relation to your interest in engineering.
Listen, I can understand that you want to write a single generic essay that will answer all of the possible questions that a university can ask of their applicants. That is not how a college application works. Expect to write at least 3 different essays based upon specific questions that the university will provide, which they feel is relevant to your application. Trying to jump the gun and override their questions will not work because you end up with overly long, wordy, and not really informative essays in the process.
That is why I am asking you to concentrate on the reasons you want to study engineering in this essay. That is as general an essay prompt as you can get. Do not delve into the childhood stories or projects that you did, or discussions you had that will definitely be asked for in the other common apps. This is just my advice to you. The final decision on the content and how the essay will be written is yours. I can only try to guide you towards the proper writing of the essay.
