A few comments:
The charts display the difference in the levels of participation in education and science between the developing and industrialised countries in the years from
1990.This is a very dry sentence. If the focus is scientific/analytical writing, it's perfect. If the focus is descriptive writing, you may want to make it a little more interesting. Ask your teacher what you should aim for.
It is clear that in all 3 charts the industrialised countries have improved in the participationparticipation here and in your last paragraph may not be the best word... it's a little vague
much more than the developing countries.
As shown in the first chart, which
displays the average years of schooling , in the year 1980 , a regular citizen of an industrialised country would spend about 8 years in school on
y. but fo theIn
developing countries, however,
the average years of schooling is about 2 years. In 1990 , the average years of schooling went through a slight increase;
the average years of schooling in the industrialised countries
has become"has become" is present tense- use a past tense here
11 years instead of 8 , and in the developing countries , it
has becomealso here
3 instead of 2.
The second chart displays the number of scientists and technicians
personperson is singular. Use the plural form here.
in each country. In 1980 , the industrialised countries had about 40 to 45 scientists ans technicians per 1000 people. On the other hand , the developing countries had only 10 per 1000 people.
1990 , the situation
hasn't change a lothad not changed much (avoid "a lot" in formal writing)
for the developing countries , for the number of scientists and technicians per 1000 person was only 5 more than a de
cade before , unlike the industrialised countries , therefor the number of scientists and technicians reached an unbelievable number , for they reached about 70 per 1000 people. <<< This is a very long sentence. Break it into manageable pieces.
The last chart displays the amount of money that has been spent by each country on research
. The industrialised countries spent about
150 billion US $ $150 Billion US
in 1980 , and 350 billion US $The $ symbol should precede the number
in 1990. Meanwhile , the developing countries did not spend much on them , for they spent about 50 billion US $ in the year 1980 , and instead of spending more money , they suprisingly lowered the amout they spent a dacade ago and spent half the amount in 1990. <<also a run-on sentence.
s of participation in education and science shown in the charts were actually expected ; since the developing countries , as called "developing" , are still in the process of building up the country, they must
and trying to
develop it with
the little amount of supplies they have in their handswith fewer resources
, unlike the industrialised countries who are already developed and they are just continuing to improve their development.
-The American English word is "industrialized", with a Z. If you have a dictionary or reference that spells it with an "s", though, that's okay. It may be British English, I'm not sure.
-A space should not precede a comma. The comma should immediately follow a word, like in this sentence.
-Avoid run-on sentences. If you need more than two commas in a sentence, you should probably break it down.
-Since your last essay, your writing has improved. You still need to work on sentence structure and avoid casual language in your writing- "On the other hand" is only barely acceptable, for example.
Hope this helps!