Hi Do Ray!
Let's start with the second paragraph -- the first couple of sentences:
As I mentioned above, I agree with the view that this kind of wealth distribution is fair enough due to the successful professionals deserve it, that is, partly because their good luck and talent make it a foregone conclusion that they will be outstanding; principally because the hard work and pain they had endured ensure their success.
--> Here, you are being very non-specific in your response to the prompt. What, exactly are you trying to say, here, Do Ray? You are going back to refer to a point that you made in the first paragraph when, even after I re-read the first paragraph, was never clearly made in the first place.
--> I would start with some simpler, concise sentences and describe how you feel about sports and the people who are making so much money in the sports. Do you think that this is justified? If so, describe, in simple sentences, how you feel this way. Don't try to impress the reader with large words or long sentences, as this just tends to confuse the reader.
--> You are doing well, Do Ray, on this forum. Keep it up! Keep writing. And then re-write your essays. Try to write your essays about three or four times "before" you decide to post them on the forum. You will find that it will work better for you.