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IELTS> KEEPING ANIMALS IN ZOOS, RIGHT OR WRONG?


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Hi everyone, please comment on my piece of writing about zoos and their advantages and disadvantages.

Since the time they were introduced zoos have both been supported and criticized. Many believe that zoos could be very entertaining and ecologically important, whereas, others think that keeping animals in captivity is totally wrong. Both sides will be discussed before a reasonable conclusion is drawn.

First, critics of zoology argue that keeping animals in captivity is wrong because animals should be considered non-human persons and they should have the right of having freedom. This is so unfair for them to be taken out of their natural environment and to be kept in small enclosures. That is because, many zoos, especially the ones in developing countries, do not provide care and attention which their animals require. The animals are often undernourished and do not have sufficient quality and quantity of medical treatment. In addition, sometimes animals from hot countries have to survive in the cold winter of somewhere in Europe.

On the other hand, the advocators believe that zoos provide the public with good entertainment and also help to ensure the balance of the ecology. Many people, especially young children enjoy going to zoos and see their favorite animals, cute baby-born animals and the animals that are from the different corners of the world. Zoos provide educational information about the lives of different animals to the public. Also, zoos play an important role in reserving many breeds of animal and preventing them from being missing from life. This is due to the fact that, in zoos, animals are kept in enclosures which simulate their own habitats and also endangered animals are being protected from their predators or hunters. Thus zoos are needed to keep the nature balanced.

In conclusion, both of the arguments have strong supports, but in my own view, more good come from zoos than bad. However, it is hoped that the standards of zoos should be leveled up to ensure that the animals in zoos are provided with good care and attention.

Please correct my essay in terms of grammar, vocabulary, cohesion, and task fulfillment. As always every help is appreciated!
Hi! I think your intro needs a bit of work. I think I made it better.

Since the time they were introduced, zoos have been both praised and criticized. Many believe that zoos are entertaining and ecologically important; others think that keeping animals in captivity is morally wrong. Both sides have valid and invalid points. Because zoos will not disappear any time soon, the reasons against zoos should be used to improve the conditions in them.
Jul 20, 2011, 11:17am   #
Naruto~ It's a good essay, I think~~

your point of view is clear and logical~~

But if your topic is KEEPING ANIMALS IN ZOOS, RIGHT OR WRONG? and your opinion is advantages over disadvantages, so you need to strenghten the argument is your para.3~~

First, critics of zoology argue that keeping animals in captivity is wrong because animals should be considered non-human persons and they should have the right of having freedom.
_____ a little bit repetition, if you don't have "second", "first"should be deleted.
Since the time they zoos were introduced, zoos thry have both been both supported and criticized. Many people believe that zoos could be very entertaining and ecologically important, whereas others think that keeping animals in captivity is totally wrong. Both sides will be discussed before a reasonable conclusion is drawn.
[...]
First of all (or you can use: On the one hand,etc.), critics of zoology argue that keeping animals in captivity is wrong because animals should be considered non-human persons and they should have the right of having freedom....

On the other hand, the advocators advocate believe that zoos provide the public with good entertainment and also help to ensure the balance of the ecology....
Zoos provide educational information about the lives of different animals to the public. Also, In addition, zoos play an important role in reserving many breeds of animal and preventing them from being missing from life...


You seem to agree with keeping animals in zoos, but your reasons to show your agreement is not quite enough. You need to provide one additional reason that shows your agreement with keeping animals in zoos. I think you should just state two advantage of keeping animals in zoos and only one disadvantage of this jobs. The five-paragraph essay is really appropriate to indicate your opinion more clearly.
the leaf ninja:
Both sides will be discussed before a reasonable conclusion is drawn.

Okay, leaf ninja, this is the most important advice I ever give: Sum up your argument in a sentence at the end of the first paragraph.

So, instead of just saying "both sides will be discussed," you have to also give a sentence that tells the MAIN IDEA you are expressing in the essay. This idea is the PURPOSE for writing the essay. It is an idea that you wanted to express , and it is such an important idea that you wanted to write an essay about the idea.


That is because many zoos, especially the ones in developing countries, do not provide the care and attention which their animals require. ---I made a small change here.

On the other hand, the advocates of zoos believe that zoos provide the...

Many people, especially young children, enjoy going...I moved a comma.

Nice job! This is very good writing.
Jul 22, 2011, 07:42am   #
hi the leaf ninja,

I think your essay is very clear and decent.
You defence both situation on your essay but in my opinion i would prefer to write my opinion at the beginning and then support my decision at the third paragraph.

Best regards,
Muge



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