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About Me essay (Karina raised in Kazahstan)


answers: 5
Mar 19, 2008, 10:32pm   #
Hello,

Could you please to proofread and edit my personal statement essay. Thanks


My name is Karina. I was born and raised in the beautiful country of Kazahstan, which is located in the Central Asia and was the part of the former Soviet Union. I finished High School there and attended four-year college for about two years. I was majoring in Customs Law, but I didn't finish it, because my mother won a lottery Green-card (permanent residence in USA) and we decided to move to America. I have only one older brother. His name is Ulan. Hi is 30 years old. We are very close to each other, although he is four years older than I am. Unfortunately, he is not here with us right know, because according to the US law, children over 21 years old are not eligible for the green- card, so he stayed in Kazahstan. My father died a year ago of stroke. He was just 54 years old. I still can not believe that he is gone. I still miss him and he will always be in my heart.
I and my mother came to the United States four years ago. We live together in Brooklyn. She is very strong and good person. She is the one who influenced me to go to the college. English is not my first language, so I was afraid that I wouldn't do well at school. She kept saying to me that I'll do well and that she believes in me. And here I'm at the LaGuardia Community College today, majoring in Paralegal studies. This is my third semester here. Now I feel more confident about myself, because I passed all courses that I have been taking and received good grades and try to do my best to keep doing it.
I'm a very honest and friendly person. I enjoy reading interesting books, watching action movies, hanging out with my friends. I like to play on piano, to play big tennis and go to the gym. Unfortunately, I don't have much time to hanging out with my friends now, because I sacrificed my free time to learn. But it worth it in order to be proud of myself in the future and achieve my goal, which is to get an Associate's Degree in Paralegal Studies. LaGuardia Community College seems to be a good college, where one can get the best education and the necessary skills in their majors. Professors are very educated, friendly and hard working people, who do their best to teach us in order to become educated students. I really like this college and the professors and I'm glad that I have chosen this college among the others. I hope after one year I will get my degree in Paralegal Studies, find a good job as a Paralegal in the law firm. I'm trying to do my best to study hard and to make good grades, because education is very important to me. At this moment my goal is to graduate from LaGuardia Community College and I hope I will get the best knowledge's and the necessary skills that will shape me in my life.
Greetings!

You've written a good essay! Here are some editing suggestions for you:

which is located in Central Asia and was part of the former Soviet Union.

I still cannot believe that he is gone.

My mother and I came to the United States four years ago.

She is a very strong and good person. She is the one who influenced me to go to college.

I like to play piano, to play big tennis and go to the gym.

Unfortunately, I don't have much time to hang out with my friends now, because I sacrifice my free time to learn. But it is worth it

where students can get the best education and the necessary skills in their majors.

I hope after one year I will get my degree in Paralegal Studies and find a good job as a Paralegal in a law firm.

I hope I will get the best knowledge and the necessary skills that will shape my life in the future.

Best of luck in your studies!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com
Mar 21, 2008, 09:28am   #
Hi Sarah,

Thank you very much! You are the best moderator of this forum! -))
Mar 21, 2008, 03:07pm   #
Could you please help me to change this sentence " English is not my first language, so I was afraid that I wouldn't do well at school" I don't like the world "afraid", maybe I should change the whole sentence like saying less confidence or something like that. Thanks
Greetings!

Thank you, Karina!

Yes, there are several ways you could say it. For example, "Because English is not my first language, I had some concern [or "I was concerned"] that I would not do well in school." You could also say something like "Because I was still learning English, I was a little intimidated by the idea of attending an American school." That gets across the emotional aspect, without actually saying that you were "afraid."

I hope this helps!

Thanks,

Sarah, EssayForum.com



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