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'just a typical teenager' - Creative writing Who am i? essay


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Feb 18, 2010, 12:46pm   #1
[font#FF0000][/font]is this essay approprate to turn in .. you can edit it ./// feel free to add.. (my grammer is horible)thnks


WHO AM I?
The obvious answer to this question is that I am a senior in high school. But this doesn't define who I am in person, the answer to the question cannot be found in a person birth certificate, his/her religion or his diploma, but it is found in a person heart and soul of a person
I am just a typical teenager, who loves the technology and fun our world has adapted in the 21st century. I was born in India, Bombay in a Muslim family, just five pounds, always crying and ready to take pictures.

SEE BELOW

Feb 18, 2010, 10:46pm   #2
Your essay is indeed very creative, descriptive, and informational, but you need to watch for run on sentences. There was a few instances where you separated too many ideas with commas. If you revise those few mistakes then you should be just fine.
Feb 18, 2010, 11:15pm   #3
The obvious answer to this question is that I am a senior in high school. But this doesn't define who I am in person, the answer to the question cannot be found in a person birth certificate, his/her religion or his diploma, but it is found in a person heart and soul of a person
I am just a typical teenager, who loves the technology and fun? our world has adapted in the 21st century. I was born in India, Bombay in a Muslim family, just five pounds, always crying and ready to take pictures. I grew up in a normal sized house with a mother, father, and one sibling sister it's up to you if you want to use sibling or sister. I notice that you say so I put that in.. My parents got divorced when I was in third grade, it was a big step for my mom, but I was glad my mom was freed from a tormented life. Even though I've been through tough times, I managed to have a pretty normal life, my mom took care of us in any way possible, and she gave up her life dreams to pursue ours.
My grandparents were open minded people who believed in offering my mom a chance to pick her future, however living in India limited my mother's choices. The society and its traditions were always in the way. My grandparents set my mother on a path that would lead us to America, seeking a better future for her and for me and my sistermy sister and I, but leaving everything familiar and known behind was hard.
Moving to America, Florida was like paradise on earth; I loved the moment in my life, but we had to move again, my mom faced the same economic difficulties the rest of the country was facing. My mom had to make choices once again, as bad economy caught up to us. We had to move once again, this time to Boston, Massachusetts. Once again I had to leave all my friends and family behind, my favorite places, foods. At first I didn't like Boston, at all but, if you lose something you gain a lot. That's what exactly happened when I moved to Boston.
My mom could practice the ancient art she inherited from her mother and learn't from beauty schools, she now works in a salon which she always wanted to do, when she was young. In all the tragedy in my life, I got involved in various arts from India, I never liked before heena tattooing, threading, cooking Indian food and of course taking pictures my favorite hobby. I also started doing a little karate, then dancing classes. And my favorite pass time was teasing my sister, and dominating her.
I have also leantlearn setting your life goals are easy but to accomplish them is very hard, According are you starting another sentence here? to me your life leads you to the path where your fate takes you, not where you want to be. My goals in life were to become famous and rich but now they are different my thinking is different. I want to become a daughter, where my mom can proudly say, "She is my daughter."
I can never keep my mind set on what I want to be, first I wanted to be cosmetologist like my mom, and then that changed to teacher, makeup artist, Pharmacist. I may never know where I might end up. But where ever we end up it should be where we want to be, and are happy with our decision.

Whenever I sit back and think what if I were born in a different family, would I be more happier than now, I always get the same answer; No, never I am very blessed to have a mom who loves me so much, and supports me in any decision I make. This gives me the courage strives to accomplish my goal even if it means that I will have to face more changes and adaptations to new places and new people.


Comments: I see quite a few run on sentences. I left my comments in ilalic in your essay.
But this doesn't define who I am as a person; the answer to the question cannot be found in a person's birth certificate, a religion, or a diploma, but instead it is found in the heart and soul of a person.


Here is another idea:
Whenever I sit back and think about how things would be if I had been born in a different family, whether I would be happier than I am now, I always get the same answer: No, never. I am very blessed ...


:-)



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