Hi, fadlan
There(1) are many options to improve healthy citizens nowadays. Some people assume that growing the total of sports facilities is the most important to rising(2) national fitness (3) . While it is reasonable, I tend to believe that this progressive improvement is unlikely influence potentially in public health and the other reasonable possibilitymeasuresisare needed.
1. Avoid using "there" in your starting. It effects nothing to catch your examiner's attention.
2. National fitness, I guess this kind of public health paraphrasing. To me, it sounds mechanic instead of depicting a condition. It may simply write national health or national physical well-being.
3. Inappropriate "to infinitive" using
You attempt to break the prompt in your debatable thesis statement, and this is may accept as a paraphrasing. However this quite confusing, I suggest you to alleviate the using of the adverb and pay attention about mixing words as noun phrase.
Let me try to do your intro
The sufficient numbers of sport facilities may improve the national's psychical well-being. Although the government attempt to provide such facilities, the opponents assume that this less influences to maintain good health of public. I believe that another measures are needed.The commence body paragraph
Some people believe the total numbers of sporting local facilities (local sporting facilities ) determines (rid "s") unambiguously (using this adverb confuses your idea) the percentage of community's health condition (1) . As a straightforward (2) example, 85 percent of citizen in Jakarta have a positive general fit test. It is caused by a lot of sports(5) centers show an upward trend in the state(3). While it is measurable, we should realize that there are several factors are required(4) to increase public health.
Possible suggestions
(1) Is this your main idea?. I think this is more suitable for constructing thesis statement in the introduction. Thus, this sentence needs a conjunction.
(2) I am afraid this is un-appropriate vocabulary.
Dictionary says "straightforward" a. means easy to understand or simple b. honest about your feelings or opinions and not hiding anything. A possible suggestion, write
As an example,(3) This sentence needs a conjunction or omit one of those verbs.
(4) Use active form
(5) Noun adjunct cannot be plural. I also saw this mistake in different part. Please correct it :D
Further paragraph
I am of the opinion that sport facilities exceedingly (1) likely will not help public health and other factors need to be considered (2) . Evidence for this is provided by the health condition of local inhabitants in Singapore. (stop here)Such condition is considerably drop-down(3) in recent year; (omit semicolon)nevertheless, (omit comma) even though Singapore's government always increased a number of sports infrastructures year by year. This case is caused by the increasing numbera lot of smokers and high consumptionconsumer of unhealthy meals in the country. As the solutions of this problem , the government replaces tobacco cigarette to be electric cigarette(4) and build more healthy foods centers. Those solutions must be seriously considered to pump up the percentage of public health (5) .
(1) Beware while you combine words. Exceedingly means extremely. This is does not make a sense while you said sport facilities is extremely will not improve citizen health. Remember in the previous paragraph you give an evidence in health improving in Jakarta as mushroomed of sport centers.
(2) Beside your opinion in the beginning of the paragraph, would you help me to show where the main idea is?
(3) Ovoid redundant, drop exactly comes down, buddy :D
(4) Government do change tobacco cigarette to electric one or government should make a regulation to change the using of cigarette from natural tobacco to the artificial one?
(5) I suggest to omit the last sentence, as you write similar idea in the beginning of this paragraph.
The last paragraph
On balance, improving sports facilities probably can increase healthy in publicity (1), even though unhealthy lifestyles such as smoking tobacco cigarette and consuming fast food play important role to increase public health(2) . Therefore, we should pay more attentions to the other factors, alongside increasing a number of sports infrastructures, to stimulate health status of population.
reply / quote
(1) "Publicity" looks similar with "public" but it has different meaning. Kindly re-check in your dictionary.
(2) I am afraid this is irrelevant. Why unhealthy lifestyle can be important in increasing public health ?
Probably my conclusion can help you.
Having said that, the ample of sport facilities can be good as the effort to improve public health. On the other hand it is not quite adequate as bad habit of smoking and consuming unhealthy food does not encounter its' solutions. In my opinion, government should change the regulation for using artificial cigarette and also building accessible healthy food centers in order to maintain the nation's health.Overall, your essay answered the prompt.