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Is it more important to spend more time working than being with family?


answers: 2
Oct 3, 2009, 03:22am   #1
Hi,

Please proofread & give me your ideas about this essay. It's very useful if you give me some tips to improve it.

Thanks & have a nice day,




Different person will have different answer to the question which is more important to be working or to be with the family. As for me, I choose the latter one. In China, especially for men, career is superior in his life, and family is usually inferior. In the old days, only men could get a job and support the family, while women just took care of the old and the young. Nowadays, both men and women have to get jobs to support the family, resulted in that home just a place to have a sleep.

Though it is more difficult to support a family now, it is the purpose of work that makes the family more like a family. To buy a bigger house, to own a new car and to raise the young, all of these make us spending more and more time in working. Even some people work 60 hours a week. And there is a new group of people named DINKs- double-incomes no kids. They pursue a kind of luxurious of life, such as top restaurants, pure pets, new racing cars and so on. If just thinking of what they will have 20 years later, they only have a house and a car out of time, not a family. They misunderstand of the meaning of a family. They build a family in physics, not in spirits.

A harmonious family always leads to an effective work. And a troublesome family always causes a disaster in work. Everyday if you always have to face a wife complaining all the time and a son being always in trouble, do you really want to work? I do not think so. I am afraid that you will have a headache from the morning to the night. When that occurs, even if you spend a whole day in your work, there is always nothing out. Though you spend really enough time in your work, I think you will be fired soon. So, family first, then you can finish perfect work.

It is more important to spend more time being with family than working. And it is our duty and purpose to hold a harmonious family. A harmonious family will help you work more effectively, then you will have enough time to take care of your family. What is more. Of course a wonderful life.

Oct 3, 2009, 09:10am   #2
This is a solid effort for a TOEFL or IELTS test. Your grammar is generally good, and the essay is well organized.

Sometimes your word choices are not quite right. For example:
ruanxiaohang:
They build a family in physics, not in spirits.

I think that you mean to say here that such people build a family with things rather than relationships.

There are a few minor errors. For example:
ruanxiaohang:
Different person will have different answer to the question which is more important to be working or to be with the family.

Here, you should say "people" rather than "person" and place "of" after "question."

Finally -- this won't hurt you for IELTS/TOEFL but it's good to know for essay writing in general -- be careful with terms like "always." It's generally a good idea to be more moderate in one's phrasing unless something is absolutely true all the time.
ruanxiaohang:

A harmonious family always leads to an effective work. And a troublesome family always causes a disaster in work.

People can have a harmonious family but do poorly at work for other reasons. Some people escape an uncomfortable family life by pouring all of their energy into work. So, here, you should say "usually" where you say "always."



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