Please Grade My essay out of 12 !!!
Assignment:
How important is it to seek the opinions of others when making significant personal decision?
Essay:
Without question, the most vital decision one can make is from himself/herself. Though others' opinions may swing one's initial thought, literature, history, and in sports have exemplified the power of making one's own personal decision without the assistance of others.
In the novel As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, the effect of making personal decisions without others' opinions is clearly illustrated. Jewel, one of the main characters, goes down his own decision path, ignoring all the outside opinions. Jewel is determined to bury his mother, Addie, in Jackson even though he is deluged with negative feedback and opinions. One of the characters, Darl, continues to try to persuade Jewel to end to journey but Jewel refuses. In the end of the novel, Jewel accomplishes his goal while Darl is sent to a mental asylum, demonstrating that not all opinions are valid for consideration.
In addition to American literature, history also depicts the efficaciousness of following one's own heart. During the American Revolution, the American leaders who drafted the Declaration of Independence and declared sovereignty were met with negative feedback and opinions. Writers such as Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson were told that going to war with Britain was straight out absurd. At the time, Britain was at its apex of power, colonizing all over the globe. However, our founding fathers went with their own decisions and as history shows, their decision was the correct one.
Last but not least, following one's decision and its success can be seen in the sports world. One exemplary condition is in the NFL. Peyton Manning, the record the setting quarterback from the Indianapolis Colts, follows his own intuition when playing football. Manning is well known for his audibles, or his changing of the play at the line of scrimmage. In one game during the 2009-2010 season, the Colts called a slant rounte one of Manning's receivers. Without hesistation, Manning calls an audible and goes with his own personal decision, not the coaches. The play was a overwhelming success, as Manning switched the play into a go-route to Pierre Garcon, which turned out to be a long touchdown.
All in all, ignoring what others' think and others' opinions is clearly the more successful path in life. As illustrated through the novel As I Lay Dying, the American Revolution, and Peyton Manning, following one's own decision ultimately leads to success.
It's interesting that you are seeking the opinions of others about an essay that is about seeking the opinions of others. : )
It's better if you add another sentence to the end of the first paragraph to make a stronger, sharper thesis statement. Make it specific and meaningful. It is the most important part of the paper.
Then, the first sentence of each paragraph should be a way to demonstrate why the thesis statement is true. So you should test it to see if the sentences make sense following each other. Like this:
...literature, history, and in sports are full of examples to demonstrate the power of one's own personal decision without the assistance of others. In the novel Faulkner's As I Lay Dying by William Faulkner, the effect of making personal decisions without ... --- I think this does pass the test of whether the first sentence of the paragraph makes sense after that thesis statement.
Let's try it with the first sentence of the second body paragraph:
...literature, history, and in sports are full of examples to demonstrate the power of one's own personal decision without the assistance of others. In addition to American literature, history also depicts the ---Yes, you know how to have good structure. This also follows well. So I will tell you the next way to improve: Make sure the first sentence of each paragraph is meaningful and not redundant. This means adding a word to make sure it carries interesting 'substance' and meaning: Last but not least, following one's decision and its success can be seen in the sports world as athletes follow their intuition instead of looking for guidance from others.
I think that is better than just using the first sentence of the paragraph to repeat the idea that was expressed in the thesis statement.
I really like your content, but not the way you approached it. You have to realize these admission offers are going to be reading 10,000+ essays. You don't want them to lose interest. Your essay has to be interesting an unique, yours essay is very formulaic. Try a different approach, maybe tell a story.
If I could make a suggestion. I believe that the best way to answer this essay is from a personal point of view, based upon personal experience. You could present 2 arguments. The first is a story about making a personal decision (say about buying a car) when you sought the advice of others and ended up getting a bad deal on the car even after you based it on others recommendations. Then the second, could be about a life changing decision such as whether to follow in the path of your family tradition of say becoming a doctor (if you come form a family of doctors, lawyers or accountants could also work),. You could mention having asked for the advice of you family and friends but then ultimately following your personal decision instead because you feel you would be more successful in that path. Then conclude the essay by saying that it is important to listen to and consider other opinions when making decisions, but that ultimately, their advice will not matter more than your personal considerations about the decision you are about to make because you are the only person who can set your true path to happiness and success in real life. Writing the essay this way might give it a more engaging hook that will keep the admissions officer interested in finding out what you have to say in the end.
I fell fascinated when reading your essay. But It's not easy to me to approach it, because you used a lot of knowledge about literature, history^_^. What ever, It is broaden my horizon and helped me to enrich my knowled so much...
I don't understand what kind of form in your essay(IELTS, TOEFL, GRE,entrance exam...?), you've just tell the story in paragraph to support for conclusion. I suppose that your essay will be better if you analyse the stories or examples, which you told.
Any more can you grade it out of 12
I think its a good idea for people to receive opinions from other people just so they can possibly see another side of what their seeking the opinion for whether they take
in to account other peoples opinion when making there decision is up to them.
Please grade my essay!!!
Ok. I already left feedback earlier about the shortcomings of your essay. I will not repeat it in great detail anymore but I will now give your essay a grade. Due to the problem created by your not answering the prompt provided and the grammatical errors that exist in the essay, if I were the examiner, I would give it a grade of 5. As I said in my previous post, you need to work on the essay prompt from a personal point of view because that is what the essay prompt is requiring. While it is a good essay, it does not properly answer the prompt and that is why I gave it that kind of rating. Of course the examiner will have a more accurate basis for grading your essay since he will be the one with the grading rubic so just use my rating as a guide for your continued improvement. Keep practicing :-)
