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An Essay about " my ideal vacation". someone proof read it!


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Hello everyone!
I was directed to this web site by a friend in my English writing class. They said it could be helpful to me to receive feed back before I turn in my home work. I am currently working on an essay on " My ideal Vacation. I was instructed by my teacher to use my personal observations,experience, and knowledge to support my essay. Although I am good at most subjects, i tend to fall a little short in my writing skills. Could somebody please give me some pointers and advice. I would greatly appreciate your time and feed back.

Thank you
Ella

Here is what I have so far.
Please note this is my rough draft.







While it's a common theme for most young people to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in which they can try new things I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends My ideal vacation would be camping in the quit mountains of a state park or relaxing on the shore of a beautiful beach.


Although Ive been on five vacations, out of those five only two of them were rememberable experiences. Two vacations I remember most were when my family and I rented an amazing little beach cabin in Rockport Texas and when my friends and I took a trip to Garner State Park.

The first vacation we took that meant so much to me was when I was 15 years old my parents and my sister and brother and I went on a family vacation in
Rockport Texas. The thing I well never forget about this trip was the beautiful view of the ocean from our cabin. I remember it was so breath taking that the 3 of us kids fought over who go the bed next to the window. But it wasn't just the ocean scenery that made this trip so special to me. It was also the time I spent alone relaxing on the screened in porch and most importantly the time I spent enjoying the company of my family. We there together a week and a half that summer with no TV or Internet, making memories I've never forgotten.


The 2nd vacation I took was when I was seventeen. Myself and nine of my closest friends and my best friends' dog," rascal ", went camping at Garner State park. One thing I'll never forget about this trip was the excitement of waking up every morning to the smell of breakfast cooking over an open fire. It was an amazing experience feeling to live life without all the technology we have today! But what meant the most to me wasn't the smell of eggs and bacon but rather, being surrounded by the most extraordinary views of nature and wild life. We spent an entire day floating down the parks' beautiful river enjoying the scenery and each others conversations. It was amazing to feel that close to each other and to the earth God created.


While my ideal vacation would be just a hike away from a cabin or a grain of sand away from a beach, just about any vacation can be ideal while spent with those you love. That is why I will never forget my two favorite vacations and why I will continue to travel to those locations and enjoy my vacation time.

Jul 4, 2009, 05:09am   #2
Hi ,
your writing style is quite good with very little mistakes
I think you are trying to compact too much info in one line .

"Two vacations I remember most were when my family and I rented an amazing little beach cabin in Rockport Texas and when my friends and I took a trip to Garner State Park."

This can be broken in to 2 lines .

You need to a add more text.
Jul 4, 2009, 05:39am   #3
You do have a tendency to pack too much into your sentences, and this sets you up to make mistakes in grammar and punctuation.

BananaPancakes:
While it's a common theme for most young people to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in which they can try new things I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends My ideal vacation would be camping in the quit mountains of a state park or relaxing on the shore of a beautiful beach.


This is an insanely long sentence!

Let's assume that you meant to start new sentences where you have capital letters. Now we have:
While it's a common theme for most young people to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in which they can try new things I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends. My ideal vacation would be camping in the quit mountains of a state park or relaxing on the shore of a beautiful beach.

The first sentence is still much too long! Let's break it down like this:
While it's a common theme for Most young people like to go on vacation where they know there will be a variety of activities in which and they can try new things. I, however, like to go where I can unwind, take in the scenery, and enjoy the company of my family and friends.

In this passage, we can see your primary problems: Too many words, and not enough punctuation marks. Edit by taking out empty phrases such as "it's a common theme" and adding puntuation marks to shorten and separate your sentences.
Thank you so advice! I will gladly take it to heart when I rewrite my paper. I don't know why but i have a tendancy to be wordly and give unuseful information.It kills me everytime! lol Thanks again!
Sorry one more thing! Do you think that the conclusion is strong enough?
Jul 4, 2009, 09:30am   #5
BananaPancakes:
I don't know why but i have a tendancy to be wordly and give unuseful information.It kills me everytime!

People tend to be wordy and include useless phrases when (a) they've not thought closely enough about what they really want to say; and (b) they don't trust that what they want to say will be sufficient. The remedy: Think about and then say what you really want to say, trusting that saying things directly is always more powerful than couching them in fancy but empty phrases.
Jul 4, 2009, 06:30pm   #6
They may also get into the habit of being verbose, especially if they have been reading a lot of badly written texts, say critical essays or many newspaper articles. In any event, try to use stronger verbs, as well:

"The first vacation we took that meant so much to me was when I was 15 years old my parents and my sister and brother and I went on a family vacation in Rockport Texas. The thing I well never forget about this trip was the beautiful view of the ocean from our cabin. I remember it was so breath taking that the 3 of us kids fought over who got the bed next to the window. But it wasn't just the ocean scenery that made this trip so special to me. It was also the time I spent alone relaxing on the screened in porch and most importantly the time I spent enjoying the company of my family. We were there together a week and a half that summer with no TV or Internet, making memories I've never forgotten.

So many forms of "to be" ("was") and an instance of "to make" and "to get." Ugh! Go through your essay and replace these pathetic, vague, abstract verbs with strong, concrete, vivid ones.

For more advice on how to do that, and why it would be a good idea, check out this article:
Alright, I have noted that there are some comments on verbosity.
I have also noted that there have been some corrections on the opening lines.
Anyways, Liebe is here! ('Love' is here) ;)


My ideal vacation would be camping in the quit mountains of a state park or relaxing on the shore of a beautiful beach.
^Quiet mountains.


Although Ive been on five vacations, out of those five only two of them [s]were[/s] are rememberable are memorable experiences. The Two vacations I remember the most were are when my family and I rented an amazing little beach cabin in Rockport Texas and as well as when my friends and I took a trip to Garner State Park.

The first vacation we took that meant so much to me, that was meaningful to me, was when I was 15 years old my parents and my sister and brother and I went on a family vacation in
Rockport Texas
; my parents, brother, sister and I went on a family vacation to Rockport Texas.
The thing I well never forget about this trip was the beautiful view of the ocean from our cabin. I remember it was so just breath taking that the 3 of us kids fought over who go the bed next to the window.
^Three should be spelt out
I am not sure if breath taking is the correct word here. I am pretty sure that, given the context, it's use here is incorrect. Like, I would not say that just because three kids were fighting over whose bed is closest to the window is 'breath taking'. You can however, describe the scenery as 'breath taking'.



But However it wasn't just the ocean scenery that made this trip so special to me. It was also the time I spent alone relaxing on the screened (?) in porch and most importantly the time I spent enjoying the company of my family.
^
It is kind of oxymoronic thta you enjoyed time alone, but most 'importantly', the time you spent with your family?


We there together a week and a half that summer with no TV or Internet, making and made memories I've never forgotten.
I will never forget

The 2nd vacation I took was when I was seventeen.
^Are you talking about your second favorite vacation, or the second vacation you have ever taken. Earlier, you mentioned that you only remember two, which in turn would make the latter suggestion invalid, which would also imply that your essay has some fault in it....



Myself and nine of my closest friends and my best friends' dog," rascal ", went camping at Garner State park.
'My nine friends, my best friend's dog "Rascal", and I went camping at Garner State Park.'

One thing I'll that I will never forget about this trip was the excitement of waking up every morning to the smell of breakfast cooking over an open fire. It was an amazing experience feeling to live life without all the technology we have today! But what meant the most to me however wasn't was not the smell of eggs and bacon but rather, being having been surrounded by the most extraordinary views of nature and wild life. We spent an entire day floating down the parks' beautiful river enjoying and enjoyed the scenery and each other's conversations. It was amazing to feel that close to each other and to the Earth God created.


While my ideal vacation would be just a hike away from a cabin or a grain of sand away from a beach, just about any vacation can be ideal while ('if' or 'when') spent with those you love loved ones.
That is why I will never forget my two favorite vacations and why I will continue to travel to those locations and enjoy my vacation time.
^By yourself or with your loved ones??

Isnt it ironic that we are talking about love and my user name is Liebe?

:)



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