Any feedback is welcome.
Most people claim that in high school music must be taught as a main subject, while others say that this is an unnecessary subject and should at least be optional. In this essay I will give my opinion for both sides.
It is obvious that music has a great power which can positively influence on human being and its psychology. Therefore, many university authorities provide music lessons for their students so that they live and study in a harmony with music. I have an impression that students, who spend a great deal of their time studying different academic subjects should have an opportunity to cope with the stress gained during school time. In this case, music can be a useful and interesting solution. Moreover, if musical activity involves many participants, there will be co-operation and developed team work in the group, which is, of course, beneficial in their future life. In fact, students with a quite poor academic background can show themselves in the music. Consequently, the calm atmosphere in the class might be created.
By contrast, it is clear that music can have many mentally enhancing effects on students. In our hectic life, however, demand is not for musically orientated students, but for academically developed employees. Hence, I agree with the majority, because music is the art which requires special attitude towards it. Increasingly however, students can not obtain supposed impacts, unless they get interested in it more seriously. Therefore, music and other entertaining subjects should be optional. Nowadays, time is the most valuable thing in life with increased pace. To my mind, students are to develop their professional skills by learning occupation-related subjects, rather than playing on guitar or singing a song.
In conclusion, I think that in order to be a competitive worker, students must know their field in an advanced level. On the other hand, music can help an individual to shape its character. An integration of music into learning process bound to be successful when it is not compulsory.
333 words. 3773 sentence structure. Time spent: 45 minutes. Any corrections are welcome.
Moreover, if musical activity involves many participants, there will be co-operation and developed team work in the group, which is, of course, beneficial in their future life.
and
In fact, students with a quite poor academic background can show themselves in the music. Consequently, the calm atmosphere in the class might be created.
I felt these sentences are not connected well. I think they are diffrent topics.
You can spesify why it's benefitial in the future.
students with a quite poor academic background can show themselves in the music
-do you mean some students have a special talent for music?
In our hectic lives , however, the demand is not for musically oriented students, but for academically developed employees.
You write very well, and I think you should be confident about the ielts. As for the content of the essay, I used to share the same opinion you expressed here. But then I realized that in such a competitive world students should be required to learn about art and music. In a competitive world, students might not make time for these important things in life if we to not make them requirements. Education is incomplete without art and music! :-)
