Khusel, you need to revise the start of your essay. Although you presented a very strong sentiment right from the start, you neglected to inform the reader about the topic to be discussed through the restated prompt, the point of views that will be considered in the body of the essay, and finally, your statement or opinion on the matter. That said, I hope that you will write a new introduction while I work on editing the content of your essay for you. It has quite a number of grammatical problems so I will be rewording the essay to show you the proper sentence structure for your paragraphs. These can be used as examples for your future essays.
Your mom, one day, said loudly " Hey my son Military writ is came for you" Then Some young men think that it is my duty, for another one who say to himself whether the government necessary require it? while, if were they, I strongly will agree that the government should require young adults to perform some kind of national work, specially military service, for following below reasons.
Military service can provide physical improvement. All of young adults except already have fulfill the military service, have a weak physical. Because they are just 17 or 18 at this time. For example; before my brother go to military service, we used to wrestle everyday and I always won. However, after he arrived, I can't win him.
- Mandatory military service is not a requirement in all countries. However, my country requires all young men to enter military service at the age of 17. Now some parents argue that the government should not have the power to draft their young men into military service because the country is not at war. Other parents though, support this mandatory draft even in peace time because they believe that it builds the character and physical strength of young men.( Insert your point of view here)Moreover, Military service is give chance that young adults discover themselves. By this time that military, they need to recognize themselves. Most young adults begin interesting everything that they don't know at this time. So, They seduction into the bad habits sometimes, such as alcohol, marijuana, and drug and others. That is why Military service need to them and give chance.
- Serving in the military builds responsible young men and allows them to discover their strengths and correct their weaknesses. At the age of 17, which is when the draft happens in my country, most young men are on the verge of being influenced by negative social habits such as drugs and alcohol. By entering military service, they are given a chance to correct their lives if they are already starting down the wrong path, or never start on the wrong path if they have not tried any negative vices yet.Finally, one of the most important reason that I agree, Military service teach how can I real man and independence adult. What is it mean? All high school never teach about be brave, durability and doggedness in life.
- If this is your point of view, you should present this as part of your introduction. Then use this paragraph to build upon your reasons for supporting the military draft.In conclusion, I feel that Military service need to all young adults and government should require all young adults to perform military service. Consequently, Military Service which is can help you to learn new experience, new lifestyle and it is become beginning your new world.
- We can actually work on strengthening this conclusion once you have adjusted the body of your essay. Your sentiment is good, you just need to learn how to word it properly :-)
