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Toefl: 'helpful bursaries' - Teenagers have jobs while they are still students.


AngelaB 7 / 14  
May 19, 2014   #1
Could you correct my essay and give me some suggestions? thank you.

In some countries, teenagers have jobs while they are still students. Do you think this is a good idea? Support you opinion by using specific reasons and details.

Some people think that teenagers could work while they are studying at university or college. Others believe that this is not a productive idea. The issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that working and studying at the same time have negative consequences on students careers. I will explain my position providing examples to support my point of view.

First, one reason is that if a student work, he has less time to study and this will surely affect his grades. Nowadays, as we know well enough, the world of work is becoming more and more competitive and it is necessary to have the highest grades possible. Due to the high demand of employability, companies are taking in consideration candidates, which have a perfect academic career. Thus, I am strongly convinced that students should focus their energies on studying and trying to do their best. To illustrate this point, I can write about my own experience when I was a fresh girl and I started to work at McDonald's. As I said it was my first year at university and I remember that it was very stressful because after I worked all the day, I was really tired and I didn't want to study, my only wish was relax. In fact, during my first year I took only an exam and then I decided to give up my job.

Secondly, another reason is that students should have the time to relax as well. If they study and work on weekends, they don't have the opportunity to spend their free time doing pleasant activities such as reading or training. I believe that these activities are very helpful to distract their selves and to give new energy, which will enable teenagers to face a new complicated week full of lectures, seminars and workshops.

On the other hand, some may argue that some students need to have a job because they pay fees or living expenses at university. For example, they might claim that parents don't have enough money to help their children and if they want to study, they have to work. However, I believe that there are various helpful bursaries for students, which have financial matters. In addition, working during the summer would be a valuable option.

In conclusion, while there are arguments to be made for both sides, it is clear that is better that teenagers don't work while they're still studying because of all the reasons mentioned above.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
May 19, 2014   #2
Some people think that teenagers could work while they are studying at university or college. Others believe that this is not a productive idea. The issue is a controversial one, but in my opinion a closer examination reveals that working and studying at the same time have negative consequences on students careers. I will explain my position providing examples to support my point of view.

.... you write very well, however, I don't like the last line as I feel it does not add much value to your intro.
KMeghji 8 / 20 7  
May 20, 2014   #3
if a student work

*works

world of work

Your word choices do not seem right. You might want to rephrase it. May be fit something like 'practical life'.

You have presented several good arguments but you may also add at hought on the fact that working during college life may give them practical skills by which they can have higher merit than they would have with only good grdaes. Specially if the job is relevant to the field.
okdeerpass 5 / 12 2  
May 20, 2014   #4
Nowadays, as we know well enough, the world of work is becoming more and more competitive and it is necessary to have the highest grades possible.

Can you add more details or words to explain why students have to get highest grades for future jobs? The first paragraph you state cannot completely convince me.

In addition, working during the summer would be a valuable option.

You can add more to this sentence and make it to look like an example of paragraph 4.

Hope my comments will help you.


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