I'm in need of help on how to convey myself better

As I stepped onto the soccer field in my cleats and uniform, I would close my eyes and imagined myself standing in the middle of the field, looking out into the vast crowd. The crowd's resonant voice filled my ears with excitement and pleasure. The booming voice of my coach woke me up from my fantasy, as he called me over to tell me to go stand at my position.

As the sun beamed upon my face, my gazed was locked onto the black and white sphere, stitched together with perfection, and pumped tight fully of air. In the corner of my eyes I can see my teammates shaking from anticipation. My stomach was filled with butterflies and the heat radiating from the sun was eating me up. As I waited fretfully, my breathing became inconsistent and my palms sweated as I nervously wait for the referee to blow the whistle and the game would begin.

The ringing sound from the whistle made all my anxiety disappeared and body unconsciously goes to into survival mode. Opposite of me, I can see the opponent charging towards me, which only cause my confident and eagerness to surge. As I am running with ball, trying to dodge my opponents from left to right, all my stress and anxiety disappears and I feel as though I am on top of the world. Soccer makes me forget about all my anger, stress, anxiety, sadness and pain. It brings me into a place of happiness and all I can focus on is going head on against the goalie and goal. It is the place where I can be myself and not care for what other think of me. Every time, I have the ball in my possession, I feel that I am powerful and that times stop just for me.

Khanh, we would be able to analyze your essay better and also assist you with expressing yourself if you could tell us what the essay prompt you are trying to answer is. The prompt will be the guideline that we will follow in assessing your essay so that we can tell you which portions you can improve and what you can delete or add to make the overall essay better. Please provide the prompt as soon as possible so that we can accomplish that task. In the meantime, let me offer you an overview of your current essay.

I am unclear at the moment as to whether you should be addressing this essay in the past or present tense. Mostly because these essays are normally written to refer to the past events in the student's life. Perhaps you should double check the essay prompt just to make sure that you are using the proper tense in the sentences? There are also a number of grammatical and sentence structure errors in the essay that need to be fixed regardless of the prompt that you are trying to answer.

I hope that you will be able to provide the prompt soon so that we can move on to revising the essay.

You are way off tangent in trying to answer the prompt. You needed to pick a place, not an activity to describe in this essay. Don't describe the game that was being played. That is not of importance to this essay. If you feel content on the football field, then explain why. We are looking for a place, not an activity. How the game was played is irrelevant to this essay. If you wish to discuss the football field as the place where you feel most content, use the following sentence from your previous essay as the jumping off point for your revision:


- Add the word field after the word soccer in order to make this sentence completely address the essay prompt and then begin to explain the sense of contentment that you feel on soccer field. Soccer is just a sport being played. It is not relevant to the essay prompt. However, the soccer field, that is a real place where one may be able to achieve a sense of contentment. You can definitely discuss the soccer field in this essay.

Try to revise the essay using my suggestions so that we can see if it is totally possible to use the soccer field as the reference point for this essay.