Unanswered [9] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

ielts essay: what is happiness? I still do not find the answer


answers: 4
Oct 20, 2010, 06:35pm   #1
Hi guys, please help me revise my ielts essay,all comments and corrections will be appreciate, thank you in advance!
PS: I always feel unnatural about my writing but donot know how to improve it .

the essay:

Happiness is considered very important in life.
Why is it difficult to define?
What factors are important in achieving happiness?
_________________________________________________________________ _____ ____________
Undoubtedly, happiness is the most important part in our lives. But if you ask different individuals what is happiness, there are absolutely a wide variety of answers you would hear. It is difficult to define happiness because it means different things to different people.

Usually, happiness can be described as a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment, some people think that whenever and wherever they would be involved with happiness if they feel happy. For plenty of people, families mainly contribute to their pleasure and satisfying lives. They enjoy spending times with family and friends, in the meantime getting more fun in return. Families considered as the root of their happiness can strengthen them and make them become happy persons. In addition, hobbies, sports and games can be serve as a source of fun and enjoyment, these offer people lots of exciting moments.

Comparatively, some people see money as a source of happiness while other people define happiness as something deeper. It is clear that money is the important thing in our lives, but some people are totally addicted to money. Except money, no other things can make them happy. Maybe some of them can get the happiness they wanted , unfortunately most of these moneygrubbers are unhappy and died alone. By contrast, some people define happiness as giving and they come alive by helping other people. They need to feel that they are doing something useful with their lives and other people, concentrating on giving and helping can afford them this feeling and also help themselves achieve happiness.

Moreover, some people get a sense of achievement from their work, and others find happiness in bringing up their children. I am sure that the people who hold their happiness are fortunate, no matter what kind of the happiness is. Finally, what is happiness? I still do not find the answer, but I can say when you feel happy, happiness is just around the corner.



Johnny Zhang

Oct 20, 2010, 11:35pm   #2
But if you ask different individuals what is happiness(what happiness is), there are absolutely a wide variety of answers you would hear. It is difficult to define happiness because it means different things to different people.

Usually, happiness can be described as a feeling of pleasure or enjoyment, some people think that whenever and wherever they would be involved with happiness if they feel happy.(I don't queit follow your meaning here, i do not think it is a complete sentence because 'whenever' = no matter when ) ...Families considered as the root of their happiness can strengthen them and make them become happy persons(I think poeple or individuals would be better). In addition, hobbies, sports and games can be serve(d) as a source (sources)of fun and enjoyment, these offer people lots of exciting moments.

Comparatively, some people see(consider or take) money as a source of happiness while other people define happiness as something deeper. It is clear that money is the(an) important thing(element would be better) in our lives, but some people are totally addicted to money. Except money, no other things (there is nothing else)can make them happy. Maybe some of them can get the happiness they wanted , unfortunately most of these moneygrubbers are(were) unhappy and died alone. By contrast, some people define happiness as giving and they come alive by helping other people. They need to feel that they are doing something useful with their lives and other people, (and)concentrating on giving and helping can afford them this feeling and also(and so/thus) help themselves achieve happiness.

Moreover, some people get a sense of achievement from their work, and others find happiness in bringing up their children. I am sure(convinced, 'sure' sounds colloquial ) that the people who hold their happiness are fortunate, no matter what kind of the happiness (it)is. Finally, what is happiness? I still do not find the answer, but I can say(believe. still, 'I can say is colloquial') when you feel happy, happiness is just around the corner.



I only correct some grammatical errors. Hope it helps.
This is a difficult topic for me too. But I recommend you to pay more attention to grammar first.
Besides, I suggest you aviod repeating the same word two much. For example, 'people' can be replaced by individuals, human, some people or some(I do not think person is proper here); and 'define' can be repalced by consider, take...as..., believe...as.

The reason you feel unatural could possibly because you use too much oral English in writing, and reading more nice essays and keeping on practising may help a lot.
I think this essay answers the question, but it seems to lack depth. You address the issue that happiness is open to multiple interpretations by different kinds of people, but you seem to lose out on the third question ("What factors are important in achieving happiness?")

I think this is where colleges want you to introduce a little bit of yourself into your work. The notion that everybody has different conceptions of happiness is an observation that can be made of anyone, but what is your own thesis on what factors can generally define happiness?

The following sentence appears to be the mentality you advocate:

"By contrast, some people define happiness as giving and they come alive by helping other people."

I would develop this idea more. If you believe this to be true, try to define the essential components of happiness, and refer to examples or people in your own life. Good luck.
Oct 21, 2010, 06:17am   #4
akshays1993:
I think this essay answers the question, but it seems to lack depth. You address the issue that happiness is open to multiple interpretations by different kinds of people, but you seem to lose out on the third question ("What factors are important in achieving happiness?")


I agree with your view.
Oct 21, 2010, 09:25am   #5
Thank you Zchen1987 and Akshay for your corrections and advice.
You are definitely right, Zchen1987 , I have repeated "people" and "define" too many times in the essay,it is very disturbing problem for me. I assert that the only way to make my vacabulary active is doing more practice.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓