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Essay about the happiest day of my life so far? Feedback


answers: 8
Sep 2, 2009, 04:55am   #
Hi everyone,
I'm working towards my GED. I spend about 8 hours per day writing to master the ability of essay writing. After a few weeks, I believe they are good enough so I do not waste anybody's time. If anyone gets a chance, please let me know of any flaws.
Thank you.
Dani
======================
What has been the happiest day of your life so far?
In your essay, tell what happened that made it so wonderful. Use your personal observations, experience, and knowledge

Over the course of my life, I have experienced many days of happiness; they all had a unique ingredient that separated them from each other as a distinct experience. There is; however, a day that I remember with extra fondness, a day that occupies a bigger space in my heart, the day of my eighteenth birthday. I suppose I could say this is possibly the happiest day in my life so far. The three factors that made this day so special were: a birthday cake, my friends, and a train station.

First factor was the birthday cake. Not an ordinary one, but a torte au pommes, the best cake this side of the Pyrenees, and possible the reason why so many people came to my birthday parties. There was never a birthday without a cake, but the torte au pommes was the best one indeed.
This was thanks to the fact that undoubtedly; my mother was the most gifted baker in the area and she knew exactly were to get the right ingredients.

Second, my friends. They came early that day as I was leaving the country in the evening. Strangely enough, they did not bring any presents as they always did in the past. It did not matter, all of them came as it was going to be the last birthday I ever spent with them, as the hours went by, I said my goodbyes and left to the train station.

Finally yet importantly, the train station, I had a train ticket to travel around Europe for a month. At the end of the month I was not coming back, it was my journey to independence.
To my surprise, as I arrived to the platform all of my friends and family were there, with hands full of presents and another torte au pommes. It was a going-away-turning-eighteen birthday party. Everyone was there, old friends, new friends and their families.

The motion of the train slowly leaving the station, the powerful emotion of the farewell still lingering in me as I watched my friends, family waving, and the excitement of the journey towards my independency made this the happiest day of my life.

Sep 2, 2009, 07:46am   #
You're doing well and seem to be on track for getting your GED. I'd leave out the meditation on the days of our lives in order to jump right to your happiest day. Also, you use sentence fragments for emphasis to start your second, third, and fourth paragraphs. While I understand what you're doing here, this may not be looked on favorably by GED essay readers. Use standard sentences throughout.

Good luck and let us know how it goes!
Sep 3, 2009, 09:11am   #
sohelmatrix:
Overall good essay.

You need to provide more useful feedback than that to remain a member in good standing. Try to say why you like or dislike an essay or to offer a specific piece of advice.
Sep 3, 2009, 10:28pm   #
Thank you EF_Simone.
I thought the easy did not need the numeration factor, I added that after it was written.
I am probably being to literal with the essay theory I am reading.

Thanks sohelmatrix.
Sep 4, 2009, 02:30am   #

EF_Simone
Please explain what you mean by that. I'm curious.


Because I have never dealt with essays before, I have a hard time understanding how one would look like, and have the tendency to apply every single parameter that is required to write one, hence I am being literal with the essay theory I am reading.
I am Italian; it might explain a few things about what I have just said.
Sep 4, 2009, 11:34am   #
dccb:
I am Italian; it might explain a few things about what I have just said.

Now I'm curious about that. I know a lot of Italians, but none of them are particularly concerned with following rules. Quite the contrary! All of my Italian friends are decidedly anarchistic.
Sep 4, 2009, 08:59pm   #
That is a broad subject.

Some rules are to be questioned, specially the ones that are there to replace education. Is not Anarchy, just common sense.



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