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Should GPA be a factor for school sports?


Skarl 1 / -  
Nov 16, 2011   #1
What do you guys think about my intro? I think the transition from sports becoming increasingly more popular to how gpa requirements for sports needs some work. Feedback would be nice!

In today's world, athletics are becoming increasingly more popular. In fact, in 2011, 55.5 percent of students enrolled in high schools participated in a school sport. Bangor Daily News reports that, "nearly 7,668,000 students participated in high school sports during the 2010-11 school year, an increase of almost 40,000 over 2009-10." With the increasing interest for sports, many schools have started to include GPA as a factor for school sports eligibility. Is this fair to the students who can't play because they are doing poor academically? I say: Absolutely! A student's academic performance should be a factor for sports eligibility because the requirements are usually very low, it provides an incentive to perform well, and school comes before sports.
Captainasian167 2 / 2  
Nov 17, 2011   #2
You have a very straight forward introduction. I like how you spend no time at all providing filler, and go right into a claim right after supporting it with numerical data. If this is a research paper where you are providing sources, I'm sure you are, I think you should provide evidence for your claim about how schools are wanting "to include GPA as a factor for school sports eligibility." Having some form of evidence would make this intro even more solid. Here are some few things that came across to me in your paper and what I think you might want to take another look at.

[Bangor Daily News reports that] to [Bangor Daily News REPORTED that]
-The evidence is from the past.

[I say: Absolutely!] to [Absolutely!]
-personally I think it would be more of a solid claim if you didn't say "I say." Just saying absolutely really strengthens the overall thesis.

[it provides an incentive to perform well] to [SPORTS provides an incentive to perform well IN SCHOOL]
-"it" is not clearly defined, and since you have many things in the sentence you are talking about, you should just refer to each to prevent confusion.

Other than those simple mistakes, i think overall you have the basics for what could be a beautiful essay. Hope my revisions helped, and best of luck producing the rest of the paper!!! :D


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