Unanswered [8] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

【TOEFL】Should governments spend as much money as possible on space exploration?


answers: 7
Hello guys,

I'm new here. I'm taking TOEFL on August 13. I have written several essays and tried to revise them on my own, but I still have trouble evaluating my own essays. Could you please grade the following essay? Thanks a lot.

Topic 95 - Some people think governments should spend as much money as possible exploring outer space (for example, traveling to the Moon and to other planets). Other people disagree and think governments should spend this money for our basic needs on Earth. Which of these two opinions do you agree and why? Use specific reasons and details to support your answer.

My answer:
The peaceful sky of summer night never fails to grab our attention: novelists and artists regard the space as a fanciful world to set their inspiration, while more realistic scientists and goverments are planning to make use of unknown source yet to be found in the space. However, although space exploration is important, states should never incur unduly high costs on this project. [I'm not sure whether this introduction is too wordy or not...]

The first reason of my argument lies in the fact that so far, few countries in the world have the courage to claim that there are no more urgent issues to be solved other than space exploration. Look at the bony children suffering from starvation, the desperate farmers facing another serious famine, and the disappointed employees fired because of the economic depression. Not to mention the destroyed nature and the worsening global warming. How could a responsible government ignore these facts and just go on to pour money to the unpredicted space research? After all, no one knows when we will make the next significant descovery about space or how such a discovery would change our lives, but almost every one knows that every dollar spent to fight poverty, unemployment and environment protection will help to change the world a better place.

And what is more, even for a party aimed to maintain its presidency, spending more money on improving people's livelihood is more reasonable than pouring dollars to the unknown space. Admittedly, while watching the Apollo astronaut bound along on the Moon's surface, most American people were struck with a strong feeling of patriotism; but such progresses are so rare that the patriotism triggered is almost immediately eclipsed by the disappointment with the government when it fails to provide the poor with enough food and shelters. As far as I am concerned, a logical and intelligent president will drop the enthusiastic, or even crazy idea.

Considering the two points listed above, it is relatively precise to say that putting space travel at the first position is ridiculous and even stupid of a government. After all, it is people that is of the greatest importance. But it does not mean that we should completely set aside our dreams about the space. Personally speaking, governments should support such projects, but not at the expense of more urgent issues.

I appreciate your help... I am worrying about the Rule #5...

Aug 3, 2011, 05:41pm   #2
Your introduction is just fine--there is nothing to worry about.

I find that you need to create a more balanced approach on your point against government spending money on non-crucial things such as Space exploration, bur rather spending on the poverty, etc. Perhaps you can change a few words to make yourself sounds balanced in your approach.

Otherwise, I found your essay refreshing and interesting. I hope everything goes well for you my friend, take care.

Eddie L
Aug 3, 2011, 11:23pm   #3
hi, there some suggestion:
first, you need to improve your introduction.......However, although space exploration is important, states should never incur unduly high costs on this project.........you can not use both however and although together, please use only one of them
for your second reason,,,,Admittedly, while watching the Apollo astronaut bound along on the Moon's surface, most American people were struck with a strong feeling of patriotism; but such progresses are so rare that the patriotism triggered is almost immediately eclipsed by the disappointment with the government when it fails to provide the poor with enough food and shelters...............
You should break down the sentences to get more meaning like this one....................
Admittedly, while watching the Apollo astronaut bound along on the Moon's surface, most American people were struck with a strong feeling of patriotism. This progresses could be disappointing if the government fails to provide poor people with enough food and shelters.
I hope this works for you.
bahareh
elevit2

Thanks a lot :-D

My introduction is usually wordy, at least I think so; then conclusion seems a little weak. I'm not sure which of them, the introduction and the conclusion, should be longer. Or just the same?

About the second paragraph: I am thinking the same thing... but I think every sentence counts because I was sort of over-passionate when writing them. If I put more words in the second paragraph, then the third paragraph(presidency) would seem much weaker...

Thanks again!
Aug 4, 2011, 05:54am   #5
Your intro is very impressive. I like it! Just a small suggestion, which I believe is more reasonable;

However, although space exploration is important, states should never avoid incurring unduly high costs on this these projects.

and the disappointed employees who got fired because of the economic depression.

After all, no one knows when we will make the next significant descovery about space or how such a discovery would change our lives,-------------------- great!
but almost every one knows that every dollar spent to fight poverty, unemployment and environment protection will help to change the world a better place.

You write well! Be confident and go for a flying score!
Hello Bahareh!

I'm sorry for making such a stupid mistake of putting "however" and "although" together!

For your second suggestion... I even haven't realized that I've written such a long sentence. :-X I think your revision (I appreciate it) should include a disjunctive conjunction. Could you please help me check my revision below?

Admittedly, while watching the Apollo astronaut bound along on the Moon's surface, most American people were struck with a strong feeling of patriotism; but if they are informed that the government fails to provide the poor with enough food and shelters, the patriotism triggered is almost immediately eclipsed by disappointment with the government. And unfortunately, in most nations, such progresses are so rare this patriotism can rarely compensate for the government's inability.

I think adding "if" and "in most nations" is helpful because I am NOT regarding US government inresponsible. I want to express the idea that for most of us, feats like Apollo, indicationg development in space study, are not as important as people's livelihood. I'm not saying this very well... Anyway, what do you think?

Ashley
Aug 5, 2011, 10:52pm   #7
Hi Ashley;
you made some good changes, but still need more ...
Admittedly, while watching the Apollo astronaut bound along on the Moon's surface, the most American people were struck with a strong feeling of patriotism. However, this patriotism will be disappointed with the government if the government fails to provide the poor with enough food and shelters...............
I think it is more clear if you write it down like simple sentences.
Goodluck
bahar
Aug 8, 2011, 12:20am   #8
In general, it is good!
I think you should place another reason to support your opinion or place the advantage of space exploration to make a concession, to make your essay more logical~
Good luck!



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓