What is the full prompt of the essay? It is a discussion essay, isn't it?
,S ome people believe the government should be able to ascertain that everyone is educated. On the contrary,while others believe that education should only be free in the primary and secondary levels only
You should start a new sentence from "Some people".
This means, individuals will have to pay for their tertiary education themselves.
This sentence is not very necessary. If the question asks for your opinion, I think you should put in in the introduction.
,this can only be achieved
You can start a new sentence from "This can only...". Don't write too long sentences as readers may find it hard to follow your ideas.
there can not be a civilized environment
This idea needs to be explained and supported by examples.
Although,In conclusion, I am of the opinion that
I hope this helps!