Essay Question: The government should not provide financial support for elderly people because it is the responsibility of each person to prepare for retirement. Do you agree or disagree?
Hi all, here is an essay I practised. I normally can only get 6.5 for my writing but I need 7 out of it. So please give me whatever advice which can improve my score. Thanks heaps!
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Pension, which is paid by the government, is designed as one of the social welfares to support retired people given that they no longer have the source of income from the workplace. However, as the issue of aging society becomes more severe, it has become such a heavy burden for the government to ensure the sufficiency of the pension fund to finance every elderly people. As a result, it is advised by some people that each person should be responsible for their own retirement instead of the government. There are three main reasons for me to agree with this point of view.
Firstly, the alternative to pension fund already exists, which is known as the superannuation. In many countries such as Australia, the contribution to the superannuation fund from the salary for future use after the retirement has been compulsory under legislation. It is therefore funded by employees rather than the government. Secondly, the need to bear the burden of post-retirement life support can help foster a good habit of having regular savings. Instead of living from pay check to pay check, having certain savings can not only be extremely helpful in the case of emergency but also increases the sense of responsibility. Thirdly, given that all these financial supports come from tax, it is unfair for younger generations to take the obligation for older ones. What is making it worse is that the population of the elderly can soon outweigh the workforce.
Admittedly, for disabled people who can hardly work when they are young will struggle without pension. This can be solved, however, via disability benefits which only apply to eligible citizens.
To sum up, as most people will be able to afford their post-retirement life through savings or other alternatives, government support seems unnecessary and unreasonable.
First, you need to open all IELTS essays in the Writing Feedback forum (this has been moved from undergraduate to Writing Feedback). Please do so when opening future threads.
Pension, which is paid by the government,
Pension is not necessarily paid by the government always. There are private pension funds as well. However, I like the way you have written your introduction :)
You have issues with the structure of your body paragraphs.
Hi Dumi. Thanks a lot for your help and your advice!
I have got one question though, based on the structure you provided, does it mean I only need two arguments to support my position? Is it enough?
Thanks again.
I have got one question though, based on the structure you provided, does it mean I only need two arguments to support my position? Is it enough?
Yes, you need to have at least two specific reasons (not arguments, but reasons) to support the position you take on the argument. You also need to support these reasons with appropriate examples. Have one reason ( + exmaple) per paragraph. There is no harm in have more reasons (that means more body paragraphs) , but considering the time factor, I'd suggest you to limit your body paras to two. If you've got more time left, you can add more body paras. However, there should be at least two body paras.
There are three main reasons for me to agree with this point of view.
This gives the reader a hint that you would come up with the three reasons in the body paragraphs. So, you can have three body paras for each different reason. Then support the reason with a good example that can easily convince your point to the reader. In other words, you could have constructed three body paras by splitting the following para into 3;
Follow dumi's suggested approach. That helps you earn a good score as well as to handle time efficiently.
