'good mental and body conditions' - people have different interpretation of enjoyment; TOEFL

Do you agree or disagree with this sentence: People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do.

In modern world, people deal with many issues which intense anxiety and stress in their life in caparison to the past and it is natural reaction that increase the tendency of people toward personal enjoyment. Therefore I agree with this subject that today people spend too much time on personal enjoyment. But enjoyment has a different meaning for different persons and it depends on the condition of them. In the following I explain my reasons with examples.

First, consider a person who work in a company and he has to spend much time in front of computer in order to do his job. For this person going to gym or rest breaks between working times can be a personal-enjoyment. This kind of enjoyment is very helpful to human health and promotes the efficiency of person because sitting in front of computer for a longtime without any activity has negative effects on human's health.

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Kian, we need to revise some parts of your essay. You are using terms that you are not familiar with and therefore cannot spell properly nor use in the correct context. Please refer to everything in green, which are my comments, blue which are my insertions, and red which are revisions.


-Your introduction is weak because you failed to restate the prompt at the beginning and then properly explain the basis for your thesis statement.
- The 21st century lifestyle of over-work and almost no time for leisure is taking its toll on people. That is why people have many personal errands, those things they need to do, left undone. Why is that? Well, I believe that people would rather relax and de-stress via personal enjoyment rather than do the things they need to do in order to rest their bodies and minds.

While you present good arguments in support of your reasons, you failed to represent the opposing view which in return, made the content of your essay weak. You need to always present both sides of the argument in any essay in order to create a solid foundation for your point of view. I suggest that you discuss the other side in one paragraph. The statement can present the point of view that people spend too much time doing what they need to do instead of attending to personal enjoyment.This should bring a balanced discussion to your essay. Once you have fixed the content problems, we can move on to cleaning up the grammar of your essay :-)

I rewrite my essay based on your idea about TOEFL format.

People today spend too much time on personal enjoyment-doing things they like to do-rather than doing things they should do.

The 21century lifestyle of over-work and almost no time for leisure is taking its toll on people. That is why people have many errands, those things they need to do, leave undone. Why is that? Well, I believe people would rather relax and de-stress via personal enjoyment rather than do thing they need to do in order to rest their bodies and minds. But the roles and effects of enjoyment in people's life are different because people have a different interpretation from personal-enjoyment. In the following I will state my reasons.

In first category, Enjoyment for people is a good way for resting their bodies and minds. If you consider a person who work in a company and he has to spend much time in front of computer in order to do his job. For this person going to gym or rest breaks between working times can be a personal-enjoyment. This kind of enjoyment is very helpful to human health and promotes the efficiency of person because sitting in front of computer for a longtime without any activity has negative effects on human's health. Recent researches show using computer all day can shorten life-expectancy. Thus company and person benefit from healthy personal-enjoyment and enjoyment has a correct concept.

Second category shows a group of people that interpretation of them about enjoyment going on a wrong way. Consider a person who has same conditions in his work but social network and surfing the web are the enjoyment for person. He always chats with his friends between working times and cannot concentrate on his job correctly. In this situation personal-enjoyment reduces the efficiency of person in his work and cause problems for his health. Because he should do his job correctly and has a sense of responsibility to his work and company in one side and he must has exercise and activity for his health. In fact the concept of enjoyment and spending too much time on personal-enjoyment is harmful.

Additionally, assume another group of people who just want to do every works for enjoyment without any goals in their life and always waste their times just for having fun. In this case, human has not important role in society and an important goal in his life. For example, I have one friend that never concentrates on her lesson and she just makes a plan to go shopping and has party with her friends. She always wastes her life and time for meaningless goal and finally university expel her.

All in all as you see above, the people have different interpretations of enjoyment and the roles of enjoyment are different in their life. In my view people should have a good balance among different aspects of their life because human is a social creature and it is important that everyone has an effective role in society and at the same time has enjoyment for having good mental and body conditions.

This is quite well written Kian. I like how you developed your statements in a somewhat solid manner. More discussion would be needed on the topic in order to properly shed light on the positions being discussed. This is certainly an improvement over the first one, even though I still found some grammar problems and sentence structure problems that needed to be corrected :-) I hope it helped !


- left undone


- ... than do things they...


- people's lives


- ... interpretationof personal...


- ... good wayto rest...


- ... a person who works in a... has to spend a notable number of hours ...




- using computers all...


- Next, we have the side of the people who believe that some people go about enjoyment the wrong way.


- Consider a person who works under the same previous conditions but enjoys internet surfing at the end of a work day.


- You need to clarify early in the statement that the person is doing the internet surfing during work hours at the office. Otherwise, it doesn't make sense.


- Try to choose only 2 of the examples that you feel best illustrates your point. 3 examples are excessive.

All in all as you see above, the people have different interpretations (...) are different in their life . In my view people should have a good balance among different aspects of their life because human is a social creature and it is important that everyone has an effective role in society and at the same time has enjoyment forhaving good mental and body conditions.

- As previously mentioned... in their lives... between different aspects... humans are social creatures which is why... that everyone have an... has enjoyment in order to promote good mental and body conditions.

Thank you for your great and helpful idea. I try to do my best