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Globalization leads to cultures identity loss?


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Jun 6, 2012, 10:34am   #1
Please help to review my essay. Thank you guys so much in advance....


As mass communication and transport continue to grow, societies are becoming more and more alike leading to a phenomenon known as globalization. Some people fear that globalization will inevitably lead to the total loss of cultural identity.
To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?


There is no doubt that globalization is an issue which frequently generates a great deal of heated debate, with opponents claim that globalization can lead to total loss of cultural identity, whilst supporters remaining that it is not true. The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay.

Upon initial examinations, it cannot be denied that globalization is making countries in the world we live in closer than ever before. As a general rule, people around the world, in some ways, are becoming more and more similar. For example, we often eat the same food, watch the same TV shows, listen to the same types of music and we wear the same clothes. Beside, it is not difficult to find that many cities in Western countries are decorated during Lunar New Year as well as people in Asian countries are celebrating on Halloween or Thanksgiving days. As a consequence, it seems that societies are becoming alike and the uniqueness of every culture is dying.

On the other hand, advocators of globalization generally base their arguments on the essence of culture identity. The foundation of culture identity is shared values. For instance, in Eastern countries, living close to your parents and taking care of them when they turning old are considered very important, even when you are mature enough and have your own family. In contrast, in Western societies, people after the age of 18 are encouraged to move out by their own parents. Being independent is considered a great value. Another example is that, regardless of how well the world be globalized; most of Asian people still prefer chopsticks and spoons to forks and knives.

In conclusion, I totally disagree with the argument that cultures identity can be inevitably lost due to globalization. In my opinion, the identity of every culture is immortal and exists independently with globalization
Jun 6, 2012, 01:20pm   #2
hungvud:
lead to total loss of cultural identity,

Do not copy the topic, you should reword it. In addition, the term "lead to" was repeated two times in one row. Try to use other terms such as "steer to", "contribute to", etc.

hungvud:
The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay.

I would like to draw your attention to the last part of the topic : "To what extend do you agree or disagree"
This topic is an "agree or disagree" type. You should state that you agree with the topic or not. Then in the body you should support your opinion (agree or disagree) through three paragraphs. At the boy, you discussed two opposite viewpoints. This is very wrong!!!!!!. The topic did not ask you to discuss two viewpoints, but it asked your own opinion.

The structure of this type of topic should be like what I wrote below:
1) Introduction (Motivator, Reword topic, State your opinion. Not: You should choose one, either agree or disagree. Do no do both as you are not going to discuss or compare two views. )

2) Body (Three paragraphs. In each paragraph try to write about an idea which shows why you agree or disagree with the topic)

3) conclusion: (Restate the topic or introduction, and then write an ending statement called "clincher")


I did not read the rest of the essay, because you should completely change the structure of the essay. Be careful about the true organization of different types of topics.

Regards
Ahmad
Jun 7, 2012, 08:54am   #3
ah_zafari
Thanks for your comments. I agree that your given template is totally fine. However if you go through my essay from the beginning to the end, you may find my logic. I think it also make sense to write in my way.

Regards,
Hung
Jun 7, 2012, 10:49am   #4
Hi,

My name is Ahmad. Please feel free call me Ahmad :)
If you want to be successful in the test, you should pay more attention to the organization of an essay. This issue is even more important than vocabulary or grammar. What I told you was the thing that I learned from my perfect teacher, who was a native English speaker, and my sister, who is an expert in this field. Any way, you should decide to choose a way for writing an essay, your style or what I told you.

Good luck
Ahmad
Jun 7, 2012, 07:27pm   #5
ah_zafari
Ow.... alright, if you say so I will follow you :) Thank you Ahmad. New version of this essay will be released soon. Please have a look at it and comments. Thank you very much in advance.

Regards,
Hung
Jun 8, 2012, 01:41am   #6
Hi,

with opponents claiming that globalization can lead to total loss of cultural identity,

The arguments surrounding such issue will hence be discussed in this essay .----------- there is no grammatical errors here...... however, I'm of the view that this type of statements sound vague and uninteresting. You need to have a more powerful statement here to capture the reader's attention to get him to follow the rest of your essay in a happy mood. :)
So try to avoid such vague statements in the intro and tell the reader exactly what you opinion is. You can either agree, disagree or partially agree/disagree at this point. In this question in particular, as Ahmad very correctly pointed out, your examiner expects your stance on this issue. So you've got to state your opinion here. Even otherwise (I mean the questions that do not directly ask your opinion), it is better you state your opinion on the argument in the introduction, rather than telling the reader that you are going to analyse it in the coming paras. By stating your stand in the intro, you would take the reader in a specific direction of the argument which makes the reader more comfortable in following your writing rather than struggling to find out what you think about it. :)


While I agree with Ahmad suggested structure, I wish to add my points to that too;
1) Introduction (Motivator, Reword topic, State your opinion. Not: You should choose one, either agree or disagree. Do no do both as you are not going to discuss or compare two views. ) ------- i think you can agree, disagree or take a moderate stance (i.e. both agree and disagree)
2) Body (Three paragraphs. In each paragraph try to write about an idea which shows why you agree or disagree with the topic) --------- Try at least two paras for the body because you may not find time to go for a third para. Each para should have one reason as to why you hold your opinion and this reason should be supported by one specific example. If you take a moderated stance, in the first body para you can give a reason why you agree with the statement (followed by the example) and the second para - reason why you disagree backed with the example
3) conclusion: (Restate the topic or introduction, and then write an ending statement called "clincher") ---------- yea..... should be a summary of all what you said above and ending with a clincher :)
You exhibit very good writing skills....... It's a matter of improving your structure
Good Luck!
Jun 8, 2012, 01:49am   #7
Thank you Dumi and Ahmad, God and Allah bless you :)

Here is my the new version of my essay, please help to comments. By the way, I don't know why but trying to write short and compact seem to be a difficult task for me :(


There is no doubt that globalization is an issue which frequently generated a great deal of heated debate, with opponents claim that the identity of countries' cultures would definitely lost as a result of globalization, whilst supporters remaining that this is not true. I tend to disagree with this statement.

Obviously, globalization is an inevitable trend and brings with it plenty of economic as well as socio-cultural benefits. As a consequence, people from different societies seem to becoming alike. For example, we often eat the same food, watch the same TV shows, listen to the same types of music and wear the same clothes. Beside, it is not difficult to find many cities in Western countries are decorated during Lunar New Year or Asian people are celebrating on Halloween or Thanksgiving days. However, if we consider these phenomena as cultural identity loss, I would argue that it is just a very narrow definition of culture and that there are always differences between cultures.

In my opinion, the foundation of culture identity is based on shared values, in the other words, is the way people evaluate the same matter. For instance, in Eastern countries, it is very common for adults people stay with their parents even when they are married. Being responsible to their family, taking care of their parents when they are turning old are important values in Eastern societies. In contrast, being independent and taking care of oneself are more valued in Western societies. To do this, many parents in Western countries encourage their children at the age of 18 to move out; even their own children are not yet willing to do it. Another obvious example is, no matter how well the world is globalized, Asian people still prefer using chopstick and bowls to knives and forks.

In conclusion, my point of view is the existence of cultural identity does not relate to globalization. The differences between cultures are permanent and the pros of globalization far outweigh the cons.
Jun 8, 2012, 02:43am   #8
Hi, I just focused on the introduction. Hope this helps

hungvud:
I tend to disagree with this statement.

First of all, which statement did you disagree with? You stated two opposite views at the first part of the introduction and you should clearly state you disagree with which one.
You should also mention why you disagree with the statement in the introduction. The reasons of your opinion should be written briefly (about two or three words). When you mention the reasons, a reader can find out you are going to talk about which issues of the topic. In academic writing books this final part of an introduction is called "Blueprint". A blueprint is a sentence which connect an introduction to a body.

One more point: for making your paragraph shorter you should just concentrate on the topic sentence of each paragraph. One clear example is enough to support you idea. I think you should work on brain storming. Wen you learn how to effectively gather information, then u can easily manage your essay. Be to the point my friend :)

Regards
Ahmad
There is no doubt that globalization is an issue which frequently generated [It was written in past tense or passive voice? Please refer to the usage of present tense and correct it] a great deal of heated debate,[It should be the end of this sentence as a general statement about your subject to attract readers' attention] with [when the connecting word 'whilst" is already used in the second clause, 'with' is not necessary here] opponents claim that the identity of countries' cultures would definitely lost [It should be passive voice] as a result of globalization, whilst supporters remaining that this is not true.[It would be better if you swap two clause, supporters should be the former] I tend to disagree with this statement [Which statement do you disagree?].
Obviously, globalization is an inevitable trend and brings
with it [Bring something is enough] plenty of economic as well as socio-cultural benefits. As a consequence, people from different societies seem to becoming [seem to do sth] alike. For example, we often eat the same food, watch the same TV shows, listen to the same types of music and wear the same clothes [the same is repeated 5 times]. Beside [Besides], it is not difficult to find many cities in Western countries are decorated during Lunar New Year or Asian people are celebrating [ It should not be written in present continous tense here] on Halloween or Thanksgiving days. However, if we consider these phenomena as cultural identity loss, I would argue that it is just a very narrow definition of culture and that there are always differences between cultures.
Jun 8, 2012, 04:22am   #10
Yes.... you should say with what argument you are in disagreement. Is it the first one or the second. State it very clearly.
Then I agree with Ahmad's idea on limiting your examples to one. That helps you avoid lengthy writing.
I made following observations in this essay;

Your intro should tell the reader about your opinion on this argument and he will look forward to finding reasons in the forthcoming paras to be convinced that why you believe so.

Your first body para is very impressive. I dont think you have provided two many examples there. You have presented your reason with good supporting examples in a very concievable manner. I think this is a superb para :)

Your second para has a problem. It tends to confuse the reader. There you provide a definition for culture and then give too many examples and finally say that it is one of the reasons why you dont believe globalization has a bearing on cultures. Until the last sentence, the reader struggles to understand the link between the ideas. I think it is best that you give the reason and then back it with the examples. For example;
In my opinion, the foundation of culture identity is based on shared values, in the other words, is the way people evaluate and percieve matters on which globalization has very little bearing. For instance, in Eastern countries, it is very common for adults people stay with their parents even when they are married. Being responsible to their family, taking care of their parents when they are turning old are important values in Eastern societies. In contrast, being independent and taking care of oneself are more valued in Western societies. To do this, many parents in Western countries encourage their children at the age of 18 to move out; even their own children are not yet willing to do it. No matter how well the world is globalized, Westerners will still prefer their children becoming independent at very young age while the Easterners choose to have their children closely knitted. ------- here i took off your other example about chopsticks to keep the para more simple, but i love that sentence and it is very well written)

Your conclusion is a bit too thin. Just briefly talk about your reasons there. For example;
In conclusion, I believe that the existence of cultural identity does not have any corelation to globalization. It is true that globlization enables people to have access to learn and experience other cultures and encourages them to respect co-existance. However, this has only a very little influend on loosing cultural identity because the differences between cultures are permanent. Therefore the pros of globalization far outweigh the cons.
:)
Jun 8, 2012, 06:12am   #11
Thank you guys for great helps. I am going to write a new essay, just struggling a little bit on finding interesting subjects. Please keep giving you kind comments on my future essays. Much appreciated :)

Regards,
Hung

P/S: I made some mistakes. For example, Among cultures not between cultures
initially i would want you to know that you have done tremendous work which resulted to this well written essay.
my own opinion is you do not need to address your statement at the beginning of your essay considering this topic is an agree or disagree discourse, from my point of view the structure of an essay is just a typical criterion of how an essay should be written as well treated. it is not a requisite to follow specific and precise steps of writing your essay.
questions to be asked, what is Globalization. identification of culture identity ,



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