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SAT essay-What gives us more pleasure and satisfaction?


answers: 2
Please correct me on my grammer,ideas,explanations examples etc..and grade it on a scale of 1-6 with 6 being the highest!

Prompt:
Many societies believe that the pursuit of happiness is a fundamental human right. But it is also true that attainment of happiness remains elusive. Perhaps Bertrand Russell had it right when he said, "To be without some of the things you want is an indispensable part of happiness."

Assignment:
What gives us more pleasure and satisfaction: the pursuit of our desires or the attainment of them? Plan your response, and then write an essay...

In my opinion it is the attainment of our desires which gives us maximum satisfaction. Granted, pursuit is beautiful; it teaches us a lot of lessons. However at the end it is the attainment of our desires which motivates us to climb further. It gives us the confidence and belief that yes, we are worth something! It gives us a further push into exploring new avenues which otherwise we wouldn't have considered.

I was in my 9th grade when I first decided to participate in public speaking. On my first attempt I failed drastically. I fumbled, forgot my phrases and felt humiliated in front of my peers. My friends tried consolidating me by appreciating the fact that I at least tried. But this was not enough for me. Students younger than me were doing a better job. I tried again, increasing my efforts this time. This time too I did not do any better. A sense of hopelessness and despair hovered over me. I gave up public speaking. However, my teacher noticed this and forced me to participate again. She guided me on my problem areas. Surprisingly, I won the 2nd prize in the completion. The applaud after my speech bolstered up my confidence again and the hopelessness was lost in a fraction of a second. This achievement gave me an incentive to carry on and eventually be a lead speaker at school.

Galileo for his entire life had an ugly pursuit.After stating the theory of heliocentirsm he was rejected from the society and banished from the state by the church.His family life suffered.He was criticized by everyone in the country during his entire lifetime.But the sole thing that kept him on was his sense of achievement. He did not bother about about what the society felt and continued opposing the church's believes.His attainment told the world a truth which was previously hidden.He carried on his researches and experiments despite of the suppression he faced because the sense of attainment for what he desired was too great for him to stop.It motivated him to do more.

Pleasure of attainment of your desires cannot be substituted for anything. Its like the end result of your hard work, time and energy. If the outcome is not good it not only effects the confidence of the person but also his future actions. Failure too can have extreme implications on the persons state of mind.Hence, achievement makes much more difference to us than just trying and walking on the path without focusing on the milestone.

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In my opinion
it is the attainment of our desires which gives us maximum satisfaction. Granted, pursuit is beautiful; it teaches us a lot of lessons. However at the end it is the attainment of our desires which (that) motivates us to climb further. It gives us the confidence and belief that yes, we are worth something! (Exclamation point is unnecessary) It gives us a further push into exploring new avenues which otherwise we wouldn't have considered. (Use of "it" is alittle excessive. Fill in one or two of them) (Consider adding a blue-print to your intro paragraph. It will keep your essay more organized)
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I was in my 9th grade when I first decided to participate in public speaking. On my first attempt I failed drastically. I fumbled, forgot my phrases and felt humiliated in front of my peers. My friends tried consolidating me by appreciating the fact that I at least tried ( < The message here is useful, but I word re-word this sentence). But this was not enough for me ([font#FF0000]transition word would be useful here) Students younger than me were doing a better job. I tried again, increasing my efforts this time. This time ([/font]Rephase. You should not end the previous sentence with "this time" and begin this sentence with the same phrase) too I did not do any better. A sense of hopelessness and despair hovered over me. I gave up public speaking. However, my teacher noticed this and forced me to participate again. She guided me on my problem areas. Surprisingly, I won the 2nd prize in the completion. The applaud after my speech bolstered up my confidence again (Again? Slightly confusing because we don't know when it was bolstered the first time) and the hopelessness was lost in a fraction of a second. This achievement gave me an incentive to carry on and eventually be a ("become") lead
speaker at school [/font] (Removing "at school" allows the audience to understand that in general you have become a better speaker, rather than just "at school")

Galileo for his entire life had an ugly pursuit. After stating the theory of heliocentirsm he was rejected from the society and banished from the state by the church.His family life suffered (I would consider putting these sentences together by adding a transition word here)
He was criticized by everyone in the country during his entire lifetime.But the sole thing that kept him on (< Reword) was his sense of achievement. He did not bother about about what
the
society felt and continued opposing the church's believes ("beliefs").His attainment told the world a truth which was previously hidden.He carried on his researches ("research") and experiment (') s despite
of
the suppression he faced because the sense of attainment for what he desired was too great for him to stop.It motivated him to do more.(< Reword alittle. The sentence structure is alittle off)

Pleasure of attainment of your desires cannot be substituted for anything. Its like (< Reword) the end result of your hard work, time and energy. If the outcome is not good (< Choose a more sophisticated word than "good") it not only effects the confidence of the person but also his (< consider using the word "their" or "one's" because women of the audience will be offended!) future actions. Failure too (< Reword) can have extreme implications on the persons ("the persons"? Reword) state of mind.Hence, achievement makes much more difference to us than just trying and walking on the path without focusing on the milestone. (< Sentence structure is alittle off. Move your words around a bit)

Hopefully you can see where my corrections are. Using the system was alittle confusing for me! Good start to your paper!
Hey I appreciate your suggestions.But i wanted to clarify-
  • LeylaSamur:
    In my opinion
    I had read in one of the guides to start the essay here by adding a personalised statement because the essay requires your opinion.So is it not right starting like that???
  • I have also read that you cannot differentiate between the use of "that" and "which" as per standard English grammar.Correct me if I am wrong as I am not a native English speaker.

  • Also, when we talk about one person shouldn't we refer as 'his/her'..Its singular case here.This too was suggested to me by someone

.
Please clarify the above as this grammatical usage in my essay was completely intentional.I don't wanna go wrong on the test day.and please grade this too!!! on a scale of 6 plzz....I would like to check my progress!!



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