TOEFL ESSAY:In the future, students have the choice of studying at home by using tech

In the future, students have the choice of studying at home by using technology such as computers or television or of studying at traditional schools. Which one would you prefer?

From my point of view, student should study at traditional schools due to some major reasons. The first and foremost one is that there is a teacher force at school. Teachers are professional persons that they can force students to do homework. They know what treat students. For example, teachers cannot control students at home by using computer correctly since they have few times to teach some lessons. Hence, they cannot teach all details by using computer or student`s parents must a teacher to study at home by using computer. So, it is very expensive for parents. What is more, students learn how life styles have in their life. They learn become on time on all works such as going to school and becoming clean every day. They become a society person. Last but not least, students can find many friends at traditional school since they have many classmates. Students have break between lessons in a day. Hence, they play their peers in break time. One of their lessons is sport at school yard. They must do some sports in this class. Hence, students must collect a place and do a match together.

You need an introduction, two body paras and a conclusion for TOEFL essays. They evaluate you on this structure.

Introduction; Brief introduction to your topic and a clear statement explaining your opinion on the argument

Body para 1 and 2 ; Give one reason (in each body para) for your opinion. Support the reason with a specific example (note; you can have more body paras if you have more reasons and also the time to finish this within the allocated time for this task)

Conclusion; Sum up everything you said above and re-instate your opinion.

thanks Duminda

Hi farzin_1875,
As my friends told you need to change your essay to TOEFL format.Including around 300 words.
1)Introduction
2)Body #1
3)Body #2
4)Body #3
5)Conclusion

As positive point you used transitions.But I think not corectly.
Your ideas are good.I recommend chose 3 of them and prepare supporting sentences.
Thanks

Dear farzin_1875
in my opinion , It will be useful if you consider some note as below:
1- take a plane for one or two minute.
2-write a introduction that included fact and restatement rubric.
3- and write two or tree body and give an example in your body.
4- consider on paragraph for conclusion .