Can you check this essay I wrote? this is like my first time to write about a person... thanks!
"About my friend, Angel" Revised version
Hey! this is my revised version of my essay :) please check this out and give feedback. Thanks ^^
My first thought of her was that she was an introvert. She had a small yet graceful way of doing things that kept me into thinking that she had low self confidence. We didn't get a chance to hang since we sat in great distance from my first day all throughout my last day of sophomore year. I had a slim chance of being her friend since we went with different groups of friends. I observed everyone in class. Since I was new, I thought I'd see and try to figure out who these new people were even just from a distance. I sensed some sort of mysteriousness in her. I felt as though there was a lot going on inside her head. I let that thought slip out my curious mind since I thought it was none of my business. The next year we were on different classes. The mystery about her was still not solved. I still knew her as what I thought of her the first time.
On our senior year we were in the same class again.Still we sat in reasonable distance, thought that time we became friends. We started talking during free time, together with our mutual friends. The first few months I could talk to her only inside the class but then as our friendship grew we started eating lunch together. We ended up going with one group of friends. I knew she was one of those people who never liked speaking in front of many people, I had that correct. Senior year was the year I knew about her And the year the mystery began to unlock. She wanted to take dentistry in college. She also talked about being a teacher for children with special needs because her younger brother was one of them which I found really sweet of her. I was inspired by her love for her brother. Upon being friends with her I have learned that I was wrong about my first impression of her. She was not an introvert, I learned that she was just picky when it comes to friends. She did not want friends who would talk about her behind her back, or friends who would just talk to her when they needed her. Knowing that, I felt flattered since she chose to be friends with me. I thought, maybe that meant she thinks I'm trust worthy. Before our friendship, I thought she was just a timid girl waiting for the school year to end so she won't have a reason to deal with the dull-witted people in school. Once again I was wrong about that, she loved going to school. She had goals and was never for a moment sluggish. She had a lot of traits to be admired.
Her name most likely described her whole persona. Angel. She was honest, sometimes too much. I admired how straight forward she was, I could ask her anything and get an honest answer. She was reliable. Me, being her contrary have caused her some inconvenience but she didn't seem to mind. There were times I felt bad about making her do my home works but she kept on insisting. She was my life saver, My angel. Although there were times that she would push me to do my requirements. Sometimes she would ask me to volunteer for things I didn't want to volunteer for, such as writing the class prophesy for our batch's yearbook,drawing contests and story telling for our club. It was nice of her to think that I could do those things,it was nice knowing that she believed in me. The problem was I didn't believe in myself. I hated how she could eat mountains and mountains of rice and could never get fat. She, of course, had her flaws but so did I. We didn't discuss them that much,we were a good team. She had an elegant laugh and so was her way of talking. I liked that she accepted me for who I was. We were very opposite and yet she never asked me to change. She was not the crazy friend that everyone had to have, she was funny but not in a loud way. Hanging out with her was peaceful. I enjoyed her company. We shared secrets and had each other's back. I learned that there was something more than just that quiet, thin, white, average height girl. She was way beyond just another friend. She was a blessing.
Catherine, this is a well written essay. I am wondering what the instructions were for the prompt though. It is really hard to tell how well you wrote the essay without knowing what the requirements are. I have a question though, did you actually make friends with this girl? If she served as your inspiration in life, it would be nice to learn how that transpired. You don't really discuss much about how your relationship with her worked in that regard. She seems to be very important to you since you chose to make her the focus of your essay. Therefore you need to bring the reader into the development of this relationship and how you both developed from your friendship or if she only inspired you from a distance. Otherwise, there is a huge gap in the essay and a lingering question left behind as the essay ends. Can you wrap up that part so that we can see how it will help the essay further develop? Don't worry, we will help you fix up and polish the essay :-)
@vangiespen , Thank you so much! And yes she really is my friend. I will do what you said :) You are a really great help ^^
Cath, I will be offer some grammatical error corrections with comments whenever possible :-) I might also show you a new treatment for your paragraphs that you can use as the basis of your revisions. Please take all of these into consideration as your revise your essay once again.
- At first I thought she was an introvert. The small yet graceful way she had of doing things made me believe that she had low self-confidence. She had an air of mystery about her, like there was a lot of thoughts circling in her heard. This was an idea that I carried with me throughout my sophomore year with her because we never had a chance to formally meet. We had difference groups of friends since I was new to the class. The next year, our Junior year, we had difference classes but we still saw each other and the mystery about what made this girl tick continued to grow for me.
- We had a chance to finally get to know each other during our Senior year. We had the same classes again and this time, though we sat at considerable distances from each other, the chance came for us to meet, get to know each other, and become friends thanks to our now mutual friends. I learned that she never liked speaking in front of many people. That was one of the first mysteries about her that I unlocked upon striking up a friendship with her. We were getting ready to attend college, and she said she wanted to go to Dentistry School, or maybe she could be a Special Education teacher. It turns out that I had her pegged wrong all along. She was not an introvert, she was just picky about her friends. She wanted true friendship, not the superficial kinds that high school relationships offered. Contrary to what I thought, she loved going to school and had goals that I never imagined for herself. She was an admirable person.
- Her name described her best -- Angel, a guardian from the heavens. She was honest and straightforward to a fault. She was reliable where I was not and yet, she never seemed to mind. She was my life saver, my angel. She pushed me to be the best i could be even as she helped me finish the work that I felt that I was not capable of doing. She demanded that I step out of my comfort zone because she believed in me, when I did not believe in myself. We both had out flaws and had opposite personalities, but we became best friends just the same, backing each other up when needed and supporting each other unconditionally. She was the Zen in my crazy academic life. She was the blessing that I needed in the chaotic world of my senior year in high school.
I really think that you should make your last paragraph your introductory paragraph because it has a hook that catches the attention of the reader and gives the perfect overview of the story that you will be telling in the essay.
I see! I will revise my work once again. Thank you for helping me out :)
