Hello everyone! Once again, I have a TOEFL essay that could use some comments! Thanks!
I admit this is not my best essays... I might have deviated from the main idea, so let me know how you think about that! Thanks again!
Topic: People can benefit more from traveling around their own countries than traveling to foreign countries. Agree or disagree?
Have you ever felt the feeling of leaving your own country behind for an exciting adventure to a far away country? Sure, it sounds like a childish dream, but for some people this feeling has changed their entire life most often positively. I believe people can benefit more from traveling to foreign countries than traveling around their own countries because traveling broadens one's view of the world and only traveling nationally increases biased and prejudiced knowledge of other countries.
Exploring has always been one of mankind's innate activities. Curiosity haunts our mind just like Pandora with her forbidden box from Greek myths. Excited at the possible wonders of the other side of the world, man begins his journey to seek the answers to his curiosity. Indeed, many people begin traveling because they are curious at what culture, what gourmet, and what language other citizens in foreign countries have. This thought is very healthy for the mind because it allows one to experience the different diversity of what compromises this world. By traveling, one learns that the world does not operate on a single language or culture but different and even bizarre cultures. In turn, this knowledge can allow people to free communicate and accept others without shocking them with their own cultures and customs. Such people are very open-minded, very gregarious, and adaptable to change which open the door to a colorful life full of fun and tranquility. I strongly assert people can benefit more from traveling to foreign countries because they will learn the importance of diversity.
On the other hand, if people only get to travel in their nation, they will have the adverse effect from those who travel internationally. They will not comprehend why foreigners does not follow their own cultures or speak their language. In effect, their minds will turn to prejudice, perceiving others solely through their own perspectives. This is especially dangerous to those who reside in a country where tourism is famous because the meeting of foreigners and biased people can result in a devastating hatred to one another. To illustrate, my cousin have never once left Korea but instead traveled to many historical sites where he learned many facts about Korean history. This is beneficial in its own way, but he suddenly turned anti-Japanese and anti-Chinese for brutally treating Koreans during the course of history. Despite how things have changed considerably since the last war, my cousin refused to trust any Chinese or Japanese because his mind was clouded with only facts of the past. Such hatred is meaningless now that everything's past and gone but nevertheless, his obstinate mind refuses to accept these foreigners. As one can see, traveling only nationally can cause a huge prejudice on a person which is why I claim that people will benefit more from traveling around the world.
To summarize, I think people can benefit more from traveling overseas than traveling in their own countries because doing so teaches a valuable lesson on diversity. Of course, it is necessary to learn about one's own country before anything else, but I also believe that traveling too much and sticking to their country can create a powerful sense of preconception. (532)
Hi Kim, here are my suggestions:
The hook is brilliant, but where is the thesis. Believe me the thesis is different from your own opinion. You should reword the prompt first and then declare your agreement/disagreement with it. Without talking one word about traveling in your country or foreign countries you said you prefer to visit other countries rather than your own country.
Exploring has always been one of mankind's innate activities. .
In my opinion if you change the topic sentence to the following one the paragraph becomes clearer. :"
Traveling to other lands can quench the thirst of human beings for exploring unknown things. Different cultures, languages and lifestyles are the things that always attract tourists all around the world"On the other hand
you use "on the other hand" when you want to say something in opposite to what you mentioned before. So, I don't think it is appropriate to be use in this context, as you want to add something that supports your idea. I suggest u to write "in addition", "Moreover", and the like.
Hope you find the comments helpful :)
Cheers,
Ahmad
:"Traveling to other lands can quench the thirst of human beings for exploring unknown things. Different cultures, languages and lifestyles are the things that always attract tourists all around the world"
Wow,.. That sound really sexy and nice :D hahaha I should practice this kind of writing myself to hunt some girls. Thank you for your great example.
you use "on the other hand" when you want to say something in opposite
Hmmm but I am saying something opposing to my first paragraph. I explained about traveling internationally and now I'm talking about the opposite, traveling nationally. Is it still out of place?
I should practice this kind of writing myself to hunt some girls.
come on man we are in 2015, the time that guys hunted girls using letters has way passed, you need to work on your speaking and sense of humor, and of course you need to have money :)))) Buy a Lamborghini, that's the best solution :DDD
as for "on the other hand"--> it is alright, but you know you are supporting your own opinion, and when you say on the other hand it sounds you are going to talk about something different from what you believe :)
