Unanswered [1] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

Fatherhood crisis - women are solely responsible for deciding to have babies


answers: 3
Jan 21, 2011, 10:24am   #1
Hello everyone. I am a newcomer and I need your advices for my essay. I will appreciate your remarks.

Here my IELTS taks 2:

"Fatherhood ought to be emphasised as much as motherhood. The idea that women are solely responsible for deciding whether or not to have babies leads on to the idea that they are also responsible for bringing the children up."

To what extent do you agree or disagree?


Nowadays, there are many single mothers who bring up their children without their husbands. Therefore they believed that the women are solely responsible for deciding to have babies and take care of them. In my opinion, I think that the child need both of mom and dad because fatherhood ought to be emphasis as much as motherhood.

First, bringing up a child need all his father and mother roles, without one of them leads on to the child might not grow up perfectly. Almost human personalities were formed when they were children thus the parents had the most impact in this time. Why do the girls act manly and the boys behavior girly? It is the result of fathership or mothership is absent. Parents will also effect to careers and life partners of their children in the future. Accordingly the son want to find a girlfriend like his mom and the daughter wish her husband have character like her dad.

Second, bearing babies and raising them up are not easy so a woman need a man who becomes her stable supporter if she feels tired or sick. In modern lives, women have more opportunities to work and they are also more active than they were but some special cases they can not really replace the man roles. Espeacially, single women have no time to take care everthing if they want to be promoted in their works.

Last, deciding to have babies and bring them up can makes the man take full responsibilities for their acts. Definitely, single life is more simple and easier than married life. Therefore many people want to refuse their fathership caused they do not prepair for changing the freedom. The person who responsibles for his behavior like keeping his baby and taking care of the child is really mature.

In summary, both of fatherhood and motherhood are important to bring a child up.

Jan 21, 2011, 03:20pm   #2
Hi Barbie

Your essay is good but there are some small issues that need some small work up.

If you are going to take a good point in IELTS is better follow their instruction, which says in introduction you have to show your opinion by giving at least 2 reasons followed by 2-3 paragraph explaining and supporting your reasons by examples.

Your introduction not too bad, but give just one reason that "why parenthood should be for both?
Your all next three paragraph have a good structure with just some grammatical and spelling error such as:

First, bringing up a child need (all his) both father and mother roles, without one of them
leads on to the ? child might not grow up perfectly. Almost human personality is (
were)
formed when they are children, thus the parents have (had) the most (important "adj") impact in this time. Why do the girls act manly and the boys behavior girly? It is the result of fathership or mothership is absent. Parents will also effect the (
to) careers and life partners of their children in the future.
Accordingly ( you mentioned a fact or opinion I believe accordingly does not have any place here} the son want to find a girlfriend like his mom and the daughter wish her husband have character like her dad. Moreover you write an academic writing is better to use more formal words instead of "son wants find girlfriend like his mom")

Second, bearing babies and raising them up are not easy ...why? .., so a woman need a man who becomes her stable supporter if she feels tired or sick. In modern lives, women have more opportunities to work and they are also more active than they were but some special cases they can not really replace the man roles. Espeacially, single women have no time to take care everything if they want to be promoted in their works.

Last, deciding to have babies and bring them up can makes the man take full responsibilities for their acts. Definitely, single life is more simple and easier than married life. Therefore many people want to refuse their fathership caused they do not prepare (
prepair) for changing (or limiting) their freedom. The person who is responsibles for his behavior like keeping his baby and taking care of the child is really mature.

As you see the reasons elaborated in paragraphs are not mentioned in introduction.

I think is better to go again through different part of your writing and follow the IELTS writing instruction.
Later I try to put a treat with same topics in my post to see better what I said.

Keep on try and don't hesitate to express your opinion.

Good luck
Jan 27, 2011, 06:00pm   #4
Aria did definitely give a thorough analysis, but do you understand all of it? It looks confusing! Do you have questions?

I'll give some more ideas below:

Therefore they believed believe that the women are solely responsible for ...

I think that the child needs both of mom and dad because fatherhood ought to be emphasis as much as motherhood.
One child needs....
Two children need.... ---I don't know why, but in English we change the verb if the noun is plural! :-)

Definitely, single life is more simpler and easier than married life.

:-)



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓