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Failure and Desire and Success


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May 23, 2011, 02:51am   #1
Failure is a proof when desire isn't strong enough


Success is the definition based on persistence as well as the desire of people. This,and hence,accuses the shortages of aspiration of being unsuccessful. Some people argue that this view seems reasonable while others strongly disapproves of this point. I personally consider that those agreeing with the first point have their own proof to regard failure as a cause of lacking desire
Firstly,desire is known as the motivation to people's progress. The higher demand they have,the pressures they will suffer. Thus,such pressures push them to the high-speed of work especially who are in favor of high positions such as:being presidents,scientists,politicians,economists etc.For example,Einstein is believed to be the great scientist for his inventions and achievement. Had it not been for his persistence and high aspiration,he wouldn't had factors contributing to his eminent success which brings in a large amount of accomplishment to human's society. Another stark example is Bill Gate,a billionaire of software. He left his famous Harvard university aiming to find another way for his future. Only by his strong desire as well as attempts did he have motivation to pass by obstacles and reach the success's door
Secondly,there are great deal of concrete circumstances of losers due to their weakness of desire. For instance,people are always dreaming of mercy,wealthiness. Obviously,they will gain nothing if they spend all the time without striving as well as building their demands firmly. Put it another way,success is not only the apparent attraction but also the requirement of strong aspiration and willingness
In conclusion,the desire of success is in everybody's mind.However,success's door only opens when there is a mixture of aspiration and persistence

May 24, 2011, 03:46am   #2
Greetings !


My general comments :
•Hardly any mistakes in grammar (including spelling and punctuation)
•Effective use of varied sentence structures
•Good vocabulary, used expressively/precisely
•Good and relevant points
•Coherence in paragraphing
•Well organized points
•Essay is very interesting and shows originality

Regards
May 24, 2011, 11:35am   #3
You are really on your way. There are a couple of minor errors, but when they show up repeatedly, they stick more in the reader's mind.

I noticed you don't put a space after your commas. Why? They all need a space; it will help the reader's mind process the words. Watch your punctuation in general. Put a space behind all of the commas, period, colons, semicolons. There are a couple places where the periods are missing.
iluvbee:
This,and hence,accuses the shortages of aspiration of being unsuccessful.

I am not sure what you are trying to say with this sentence, but I get the feeling that you might have used the words. Accuses means to blame someone for a crime or offense. Aspiration is kind of like a goal or a dream. Did you mean unsuccessful?
iluvbee:
others strongly disapproves

Watch your verb agreement. Others is plural so the verb needs to be as well. It is one of the most difficult things in English (articles--the, a, an--are another common mistake).
iluvbee:
The higher demand they have,the pressures they will suffer.

This is a tricky sentence. Do they have demands or are demands being placed on them? How about something like: The more demands made of them, the more pressure they will suffer.
iluvbee:
Harvard university

Capitalize University
iluvbee:
reach the success's door

You don't need the word the here.
iluvbee:
there are great deal of concrete circumstances

This is a sentence where you need an article. Insert a before great deal.
iluvbee:
dreaming of mercy,wealthiness

I don't think that you want mercy here. Mercy is more like forgiveness. Wealthiness is an awkward word. Just wealth works.
iluvbee:
they spend all the time

Change this to their time.
Don't use the word HENCE. It is a word that has a meaning that is difficult to describe. I think it will be better to avoid it. I never use that word! :-)

This,and hence,accuses the Therefore, when some people are unsuccessful they think it is because they had a shortage of aspiration. Some people argue that...

I personally consider agree with the first point, because _________________________. have their own proof to regard failure as a cause of lacking desire This is unclear. Can you say it in a simpler way?


Put it another way,success is not only the apparent attraction goal but also the source of strong aspiration and willingness to persevere.

In conclusion,the desire of for success is in everybody's mind.

Great last sentence!---> However,success's door only opens when there is a mixture of aspiration and persistence---Put a period at the end. :-)



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