Adulthood is considered to be a significant period of an individual' s life.
... punctuaton :)
money whichaffect
money which affectsa convenient wage system in work
... well, convenient is not the most appropriate word, I fear :( Also "compensation" is a very effective key word for this idea;
a fair compensation system/ a proper compensation system/ a satisfactory compensation scheme
a convenient wage system in work sector is crucial in imparting job satisfaction toy everyone.
... a proper compensation scheme at work place is crucial in improving job satisfaction level of its employees.You display good writing skills and you also follow a good essay structure. With practice you can improve even better :)