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Expense for each consumer goods among all mentioned countries performed a visibly contrasting value


youngcatherine 1 / 3  
Dec 16, 2009   #1
This is a task 1 type of writing in Cambrige 3 for the IELTS exam, and the chart is in my book.
I'm practising writing.Could you give me some suggestions about my writing?
Thank you very much!

The bar chart illustrates some statistical information regarding the amount spent in six consumer goods, including personal stereos, tennis racquets, perfumes, CDs, toys and photographic film in Germany, Italy, France and Britain.

In summary, to focus on the general trend it should be noted that the spending for each consumer goods among all mentioned countries performed a visibly contrasting value. It is evident that Britain consistently spent the most on all consumer goods and Germany often spent the least for the majority of categories.

To be more exactly, Britain outspent the other three countries in all categories, especially in photographic film, which amounted to over 140,000 pounds sterling. However, it did not exceed other countries' spending by much in terms of tennis racquets and personal stereos.

In addition, Germany which spent nearly the same amount in the given consumer commodities was usually the lowest spender than the other countries. In relation to the photographic film, the spending for Germany was at least 20% less than the highest spender, Britain. Nevertheless, France exhibited the lowest profit in perfumers and tennis racquets.

Furthermore, France and Italy was the middle spender. The spending for Italy outweighed France on Tennis racquets and perfumers, while France spent much more on CDs, and they spent equally on toys.
OP youngcatherine 1 / 3  
Dec 17, 2009   #2
could somebody give me some descriptive and grammatically correct about the writing above ?
thank you so much!!!
birzhanfm 5 / 14  
Dec 17, 2009   #3
...spent on probably
...It's kinda strange to write "in summary" at the beginning of the essay
...to be more exact
it seems you switched 2nd and 5th paragraphs.
Another suggestion:use more numbers.Though you used comparisons numbers convey information better.

P.S.don't bother much about academic writing 1.It makes up only 1/3 of writing)
OP youngcatherine 1 / 3  
Dec 17, 2009   #4
birzhanfm, thanks for your offering such good suggestions!
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Dec 19, 2009   #5
a colon would work well here:
The bar chart illustrates some statistical information regarding the amount spent in six consumer goods: including personal stereos, tennis...

In summary, to focus on the...---> When you say in summary, it is usually at the end... it is usually when you are giving your final reflection on the topic. Say "in summary" at the end, and then summarize your main idea.
OP youngcatherine 1 / 3  
Dec 22, 2009   #6
EF_Kevin
thanks for your kind offer to help me, and is it appropriate that I use "Initially" instead of "In summary" if I do not want to switch the order in paragraghs ?


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