Hey everyone, this is my first thread. I'm still figuring out how things work here. :) Anyway, i would be really grateful if you guys can give me some comments or advice on my essay and grade it on the scale of 5. Thank you!
Do you agree or disagree with the following statement?
Subjects such as art, music, and drama should be a part of every child's basic education.
Use specific reasons and examples to support your opinion
It goes without saying that art, music, and drama are important parts in our lives. However, subjects about these things should not be compulsory. In other words, these subjects do not have to be a part of all children's basic education. There are three main reasons to support this paradigm.
Firstly, to some children, art or music is no more than a hobby, not a subject. They come to music because they like to listen to wonderful songs. They come to art because they love beautiful colors. However, it does not necessarily mean that they want to learn how to combine colors or about different notes in music. When parents or teachers force children to learn these subjects, they may destroy the children's hobbies. After all, people, especially children, do not enjoy doing what others tell them to do.
Secondly, music and art require creativity. On the other hand, schools are infamous for destroying creativity because teachers usually teach their students the same lesson and force them to learn how to play the same song or draw the same painting. No student will be able to do something unique or special because he or she is too afraid to do something different from his or her teacher's method. In contrast, if a child can learn how to play whatever songs he likes or how to draw whatever he has in his mind, his creativity can be augmented significantly.
Last but not least, one can still be successful without any knowledge about music, art or drama. For example, a doctor does not need to know about music. All he should care about are math, biology and chemistry. Therefore, if a child is determined in becoming a doctor, he or she should not be compelled to learn about music or art.
In conclusion, not every child needs to learn about music, art and drama because these are sheer hobbies, not subjects; they can minimize a child's creativity and they are not the only way to success.
there are three main reasons to. Support this paradigm
You need to outline these specifically, in the intro paragraph. You shouldhave a thesis sentence that lists these reasons.
these are sheer hobbies...
You should restate and paraphrase your intro. The hobby idea is just one. You need to flush out the conclusion with all three reasons, again.
Well written and organized, otherwise, I'd give you a 4 for structure and vocabulary, and not a 5 because you need to rebuild, your opening and closing. If you do this, you could get a 5!
ef _carol
Hi, @jakedo
Therefore, No student will be able to do something unique or special because he or she isthey are too afraid to do something different from his or hertheir teacher's method. In contrast, if a child can learn how to play whatever songs he likesthat they like or how to draw whatever he has in histheir mind, histheir creativity can be augmented significantly.
Thank you very much EF_Carol!
Here are the new opening and closing based on your advice!
It goes without saying that art, music, and drama are important parts in our lives. However, subjects about these things should not be compulsory because art, music, and drama are hobby that cannot lack creativity and not the sole way to become successful.
In conclusion, not every child needs to learn about music, art and drama because these are sheer hobby, not subjects; they can minimize a child's creativity and they are not the only way to success.
Hi daniel,
I saw that "student" was in singular form, so I thought "he or she" should be the correct pronoun. I guess I was wrong. Thanks for your advice
