IELTS Task 2 : Encouraging sense of competition or cooperation in childhood

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to co-operate rather than compete become more useful adults.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion
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Sense of competition and cooperation are beneficial in adulthood. Obviously, some people say that the two senses should be encourages as soon as possible in the childhood. Some other, however, argue that it was unnecessary to teach in the early stage of live. In my opinion, both of sense can be discuss with several reasons.

The sense of competition is sharper a soft skill of children. Educating children with such skill can be implying as they join in a competition. Probably, taking interest in playing on musical instrument, parents can be registered their daughter to a local musical competition. Other ways to achieve competitions values are with rewarding children in their good school mark. Thus the sense of competition boosts motivation of children to gain the best of their ability, the beneficial values in order to reach personal goals in the adulthood is easily happen. Taking my niece experiences in facing her interest in photography, while her parents includes her in many photography competition since her teens, nowadays she becomes a professional wildlife photographer in a national magazine.

On the other hand, competition might rise the tendency to defeat other people in such terrible ways. Based on this view, encouraging cooperation skill should be stance stronger. Though children is taught become cooperative and altruistic, in adulthood, adapting with the circumstance of work field would be easily did. One of the ways to teach cooperation skill is with sharing. Obviously, the smallest entity starts with sharing among siblings. In fact, there is a success story started with the way their parents teach them to share with other. Dan Pearman, a Paddle Power organization founder, reaches success in distributing bicycles around the world as his ambitions to share benefits to other people, "my success as a result of advice to share with others", he said.

Having said that encourages children with cooperation or competition has beneficial values in for children later life. While competition trains children to reach their goal in adulthood, cooperation benefits to deliver sense of help. I believe that all mentioned feature having each advantage depends on the way we teach children in their childhood.

... wrong grammar here;
should be encouraged / should encourage / he encourages / they encourage
Some other, however, argue that it wasit is unnecessary to teach these things in the early stage of live. In my opinion, both of sensescan be discuss withare important due to several reasons.

This is actually is different from what your prompt says -

Your prompt simply asks you which one, "competition" or "corporation" , should be encouraged. You can take a moderate stance by saying both are equally important, however, when you introduce your issue topic, you should not change it to the way you like. You should introduce the issue in its original sense to the reader. What you've done above is not proper.

can I said that in the intro I should take a clear position, which one I like. cooperation or competition ?

I see..
Is is correct, Sir ?

While some people said that cooperation is more important to teach in the childhood, some others said that it is better to encourage sense of competition to the children.

The above is too long and makes the reader tired of memorizing so many facts you have written there.

Also, I see you need more work for the bodies of paragraph. To justify what I am saying, go get this link to see how the essay is rated:

Yes, you should state which side you are going to take. If you feel both competition and cooperation are important, then you can take a moderate stance. For exmaple;

In my opinion, children should have a sense of both competition and cooperation.
Then in body paras, you can talk about how competition is important in one paras and have the other para for cooperation :)

Try to include recommendation or prediction in the conclusion.