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The effects of using computer everyday on children

Q: Using a computer every day has more negative than positive effects on your children. Do you agree or disagree?
Any feedback would be appreciated, especially, feedback about the grammer

With the improving of computer's performance, longer time is spent on this magic "box" by children every day. At the same time, brought by using these machines, the influence on those users has been given a rise of endless controversy in public. Some people support that the effects are more negative, while others stick to the opposite. I strongly approve of the former for some reasons. In this essay, I will discuss both these views and give arguments in my opinion.
It is undoubted that this hi-tech device has been changing the study and living style of these young groups. Only connecting a computer to the Internet, enormous educational materials could be easily downloaded, which facilitates to promote the student's achievements. In addition, more beneficial and various knowledge unavailable in school could be directly accessed, which makes it possible to extent the learner's views.
However, it is also true that this hi-tech device has been damaging the thinking and healthy of the same groups. Shortage of the effective and sufficient communication with other friends is generally induced because of the participants' heavily relying on the "virtual friends", which would make this generation less social and more isolated. Moreover, if spending long time on these sets, these children will have more opportunities to be invaded by indecent contents and violent scenes. So, comparing with the advantages described above, the disadvantages are more important and noticeable.
In conclusion, personally, if adults did not realize the lack of powerful self-control ability and correct judgment explained by these special groups, if adults ignored the necessary supervision to reasonably spending time on computer, the negative results, rather than the positive, would be likely to be shown on the growing youngsters.
[285 words]

You need to take a stronger stance in this essay.

I'm assuming its an essay which has a persuasive component to it, and you qualify so much in your conclusion that it takes what is essentially no stance at all. You need to find a side you agree more with, or arguments from one side you can cut down. Right now this essay doesn't really SAY anything, which is the greatest sin an essay can commit.
  Closed ✓

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