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IELTS: Effects of technology to communication - dangers for a society


bmomongan 1 / 2  
Jul 19, 2014   #1
Technology is making communication easier in today's world, but at the expense of personal contact as many people choose to work at home in front of a computer screen.

What dangers are there for a society which depends on computer screens rather than face-to-face contact for its main means of communications?
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In the past, the method of communication was straightforward. If you want to speak to a person, you go out, meet the person somewhere and you talk in front of each other. While that is still very much true today, with the advancement of technology, the communication landscape has slightly altered. Computer screens are gradually taking over the conventional face-to-face contact with the highly sophisticated telecommunication systems which are recently invented. This, however, possesses serious dangers to the society for a number of ways.

One direct impact to this is the communication itself. It is known to us that communication doesn't only rely on the verbal language that we speak. Body language, which contributes a portion of our communication, is as important as words. Without seeing the person physically, a lot of messages is being dropped from the conversation. Thus, miscommunication is highly likely to occur and therefore the society, as a whole, will be affected over time.

Another possible negative implication to this is the fact that we become disconnected to our society, in particular our own community. If people keep on staying in front of their electronic devices, chances are that only very few of them would now go out and interact with other members of their community. This means time will come when certain people are alien to its own town. Clearly, this has to be discouraged in any possible means. Besides, businesses who rely on shopping trades need people to come out of their homes and socialize in malls and other places where products are at display.

In conclusion, people are starting to get accustomed to communication via electronics. Although it has its fair share of advantages, it is obvious that the negative impacts it brings can harm the society severely.
sundin928 12 / 18 10  
Jul 19, 2014   #2
While that is still very much true today, with the advancement of technology, the communication landscape has slightly altered.

While thatit is still much true today, with the advancement of technology, the communication landscape has been slightly altered.

It is known to us that communication doesn't only rely on the verbal language that we speak.

this sentence seems imcompelete. ...,but (also)...

This means time will come when certain people are alien to its own town.

This means that
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 20, 2014   #3
I didn't see you write a strong thesis statement. If you could, rewrite this introduction.

One direct impact to this is the communication itself.

This lacks topic and supporting sentences. Remember, clarity is the number one.

Another possible negative implication to this is the fact that we become disconnected to our society, in particular our own community.

let me give a try: Another possible negative implication is how people become disconnected to society, in particular our own community. If people keep on staying with electronic devices, the chances to interact one another would be vanished.
OP bmomongan 1 / 2  
Jul 20, 2014   #4
Thanks, Eddy.

I think my IELTS tutor fails to spot my sentence clarity issue. Any idea how to improve this problem? Do you think it's down to my vocabulary as I feel like I tend to write something in words rather than to use the right terminology?

Brian
eddies [Contributor] 25 / 1,208 476  
Jul 20, 2014   #5
Any idea how to improve this problem?

I always pay particular attention to these areas (owl.english.purdue.edu/owl/resource/600/01/):
Transitional words
Be careful about placement of subordinate clauses
Use active voice
Use parallel constructions
Avoid noun strings
Avoid overusing noun forms of verbs
Avoid multiple negatives
Choose action verbs over forms of to be
Avoid unclear pronoun references


Then, I use this site: wordcounttools(dot)com to test my readability level

Hope this help :D

Hope this helps
OP bmomongan 1 / 2  
Jul 20, 2014   #6
Great tools. Thanks again.I'm working on how to write a strong thesis statement.
dumi 1 / 6,925 1592  
Jul 22, 2014   #7
In the past, the method of communication was pretty straightforward. .... good start :)

If you want to speak to a person, you go out and physically meet the person somewhere and you talk in front of each other.

Avoid redundancy - Do not repeat ideas too much.

While that is still very much true today, with the advancement of technology, the communication landscape has slightly altered.

Well, today it does not happen to the level what it has been. So, you've got to highlight that point here. That's the core of this issue.


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