Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 8


Effect of popular events on our life


Shaimaa 2 / 6 1  
Nov 4, 2014   #1
Our life don't miss popular events.Popular events vary from nation to nation.There are popular events which can be considered as international events.I think the only occasions that can be called international occasions are the sporting occasions such as the Football World Cup for instance.The Football World Cup is a huge competition and a giant challenge between teams from different countries all over the world.So,it can get fans and spectators from all countries whose teams participate.Long series of matches that thousands or even millions of people watch with deep contrast feelings:desire to win and fear to lose.This occasion can give us a chance to release patriotic emotions in a safe way.

[...]
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 5, 2014   #2
Shaimaa, is this a TOEFL response practice essay? The reason I ask is because it seems like you wrote this essay under time constraint. Which led to a poorly developed essay because you failed to thoroughly discuss the topic presented. You spent too much time on your introduction. Instead of simply following the IBC method of essay writing which dictates that you simply restate the prompt along with an overview of the discussion and your opinion on the topic, you went on and on about discussing events on a superficial level. Generalizing the essay makes it very informal and shows a rush in writing it. There was not much analysis involved in writing it because you went for the obvious reasons rather than using personalized examples which would have helped the reader understand your own personal understanding of the prompt. I believe that the essay would have benefited from your using the effects of popular events on your personal life. For example, when there is a holiday or international event in your country, how does your personal life change? Does it affect your personal life on a positive or negative aspect? You could have actually discussed the essay from that angle and provided a stronger argument for yourself in the essay.
OP Shaimaa 2 / 6 1  
Nov 5, 2014   #3
I think you are right in your point of view.It is my first attempt,so it could be full of lots of mistakes.
Far away the point you criticized,I wanna know if you have other comments about using words & phrases if you allow.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 5, 2014   #4
As for your use of words and phrases, you have the ability to express yourself in English. Your thoughts and intentions are only clouded in the translation of the sentences from your native tongue into English. That is something that you can work on developing over time with every essay that you write. Don't forget that English writing is a skill that cannot be developed overnight. The foundation in yours case, is there and is quite strong. It just needs to be honed and directed in the proper manner :-) If you are planning to revise the content of this essay then do so and post it here. I will advise you regarding the correct usage of words and correct any grammar errors then :-)
bekkaboo121 - / 1 1  
Nov 5, 2014   #5
I think you're off to an okay start, but I would suggest working a little bit on the grammar portion. Some of your sentences in the beginning come off as a little bit choppy, like they don't flow as well as they should. Some subject/verb issues. Sometimes, ending statements are made more powerful when you don't use "I" . or example, "I thought those cookies tasted heavenly" or " The cookies tasted heavenly, as if angels themselves had baked them"

Good luck :)
OP Shaimaa 2 / 6 1  
Nov 7, 2014   #6
Louisa Mae, I rewrote my topic & I'm waiting for your advice about it again, please.
Rebekka Fox, could you mind if you give me your comment again?

Any group of people has its special event or events.The group may be small as a family or may be too large as a whole country or even groups of countries have some similar aspects as the religion for instance.Events also could be local popular events or international popular events.Here, I will talk about popular event of a whole country.

Popular events are extremely variable, they could be happy, sad, good, bad, important, scaring,...etc.Due to the wide range of variability of popular events, they have different effects on our life according to their types.

Some happy popular events are feasts.National days may be considered as happy popular events as well.Feasts enable people to escape a little bit from daily routine of work and release tensions arise from search the livelihood.Some people prefer to travel abroad or go to beaches as a kind of change.Others may like meeting friends or visiting grandmas & grandpas.Any way, feasts' days are always time of fun & entertain and they are also good chance to restore good feelings which sometimes disappear through busy, crowded & rapid life.National days of a definite country may be the chance to tell the children about the history they don't know.

Sad & bad popular events may be natural disasters such as volcanoes & earthquakes, or human-making such as terrorism, serious problems between countries & wars.All of these bad events affect negatively economy, trade, tourism & life style.

Discovery of new valuable metals or clean sources of energy & invention of device can produce electricity with avoiding pollution resulted from fossil fuels can be included in good popular events.

Elections & current political cases can also be considered as important popular events that every one should participate in & have private independent points of view about.This type of events has a major direct effect on all people in the country because it determines the future of the country by participating in selection of suitable persons with convenient ways whose can work on the development & push the country forward.

There are also another type of events that may be popular but not every body cares about as the sportive activities.They may be a safe way to release patriotic emotions.Here, I want to give a small example about effect of this point on me personally.About ten years ago, the final match of the Football African Cup was held in Cairo, the capital of Egypt.I don't care about football matches, I'm not interested absolutely in them, so, I didn't know this information.In the day of the match I travelled to Cairo for some private affairs.Unluckily, my target was in the streets nearby the stadium.I faced many difficulties to reach my target due to the closed streets in a very crowded city with intensive security units to ensure that the match would be held peacefully.Although this event is a very cheerful to some people,it left me a bad memory.

Last but not least, popular events have variable effects on our life.We are affected positively or negatively according to the sort of the event itself and according to what extent & how it can affect every one.
abdelrashed 1 / 3 1  
Nov 7, 2014   #7
Our life don'tdoes not miss popular events.
vangiespen - / 4,134 1449  
Nov 7, 2014   #8
Any group of people has its special event or events.The group may be small as a family or may be too large as a whole country or evengroups of countrieshave some similar aspects as the religionfor instance . Events also could be local popular events or international popular events.Here, I will talk about popular event of a whole country.

-Every group of people... or may be as large as a whole country or countries ...

Popular events are extremely variable, they could be happy, sad, good, bad, important, scaring ,...etc.Due to the wide range of variability of popular events, they have different effects on our life according to their types.

- ... important, scary ... wide rangeand variability of...

Some happy popular events are feasts. [...] to tell the children about the history they don't know.

- Feast Days are popular and happy events that enable people to escape from their daily routine and relax. These events are normally celebrated by people through out of the country or out of town vacations with family and friends. The happy events have, as the description connotes, a happy effect on the life of the people who celebrate through fun and entertainment. That is why feast days and national days of celebration allow a whole country or countries an opportunity to take it easy and forget their troubles for a while.

Sad & bad popular events may be natural disasters [...] fuels can be included in good popular events .

- Sad and popular events include political elections, natural disasters, and world wars. All of these events have a negative effect on the people of countries as their lives are thrown into turmoil and uncertainty and the economics of their country is thrown into an abyss of disaster in relation to their trade, tourism, and lifestyle.

Elections & current political cases can also be considered [...] the development & push the country forward.

There are also another type of events that may be [...] cheerful to some people,it left me a bad memory.

- This should go up to a paragraph after the happy popular events because sports activities are shared by nations and country's alike. Try to bring it up in placement then we can edit the paragraph for content. It has to flow in relation to the previous paragraph which is why I will not edit it for now.

Last but not least, popular events [...] to what extent & how it can affect every one.


Home / Writing Feedback / Effect of popular events on our life
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳