Permit me to do a summary of your write-up.
-Education is good because it helps us improve our skills, enables us get better jobs and thus, improve our living styles and standards.
-It attracts foreign talented students to Canada.
These two sentences represent the only two messages you have been able to pass across in your essay. Yet they do not tell us how education help improve on a country's socio-economic and political development.
In my opinion, i think there are 4 steps you should take:
(1) Start by giving us what your perception of education is. In your essay, you have construed education to be the process of schooling, yet education is broader than that. It's simply a process through which an indivials acquires desirable skills and knowledge needed in him to be fit and useful to both himself and society; education is not complete unless it teaches people how help themselves in life and contribute positively to the development of the society where he might find himself in the future.
(2) the next is to help us understand what you think development is. Is it poverty reduction, increase in people's standard of living, improvement of a nation's technological know-how, political stability or reduced corruption and terrorism, etc.?
(3) next, tell us how education fixes into these issues of development i.e., the way in which educated people can help positively in national development. For instance if you consider improvement in Small and Medium Scales Enterprises (SMEs) in a country as the best way a country will rapidly develop, then your arguement here should explain how education will enable people to be enlightened, empowered, and self-reliant as to making them develope entrepreneurship skill and becoming business tycoon all on their own. By this, people depend less on government for improvement in their standard of living, more jobs are created, poverty alleviated, and nation's economy resutantly will witness a boom in few years. All to the glory of proper education and training.
(4) last, you briefly reiterate education as sin-qua-non to national development and make few suggestions as to how a country should invest more on educating the citizens.
I don't know if this helps, i just think you might need to consider it so you could improve on your essay.
Simone, I should also warn you to avoid repeating sentences like three times in the same essay. Check your 1st paragraph alone, you said something like "education giving us job opportunities" more than once. In the same paragraph you also mention "education as it helps us increase our lives styles" I think this paragraph is too small that this type of repeatitions could be tolerated.