Dramatical increase of crimes among teenagers - looking for solutions. IELTS

ayulia 3 / 8

Dec 18, 2014 #1

Please help me to improve my writing skill by giving suggestions and corrections. Thank you..

Q :
The crime among teenagers has increased dramatically in many countries. Discuss some possible reasons for this increase and suggest solutions.

A :
Teenagers are nation generations. Nowadays, teenagers are associated with crime because of its dramatical increase among teenagers in many country. I argue that there are several reasons and soutions to tackle this issue.

The predominant factor resulting in crime among teenagers is that they tend to imitate what they seen in society. It is evidence that curiousity is the basic characteristic of human being. While TV programme and game online show the violence, teenagers who watch these are curious and want to try the same thing as they seen. The other reason is mostly parents do not feel guilty to show the violence to their children when they have debate. Uncounsiously, children record it as the common things in relationship with other. It is clear that TV programme, game online and parents play vital role in crime among teenagers.

Nevertheless, there are potential ways to solve these problem, or at least to reduce the effects. Firstly, government need to ban the TV programme and game online which contain violence and crime, and add more education programmes in every TV station. Secondly, parents as the role model in family should give good examples to the children such as shows harmonious of family and not to show the violence. Finally, a good collaboration between government and parents will reduces the crime rate among teenagers.

To conclude, although crime among teenagers, caused by TV programme, game online, and parents, is a serious issue, there are steps that government and family can take to tackle the issue. If we are to save our generations, it is important that this is treated as a priority for all concerned.

PJmustbebetter 6 / 8

Dec 18, 2014 #2

Let me try to give comment...

In your sentence below, I suggest that you do not to write "we". I hope you can change it with another word:

If we are to save our generations, it is important that this is treated as a priority for all concerned.

Then, I saw that you make some mistakes in singular and plural noun;

Nowadays, teenagers are associated with crime because of its dramatical increase among teenagers in many ~~country~~ countries.

Other your mistakes:

The other reasons is mostly parents do not feel guilty to show the violence to their children when they have debate. Uncounsiously, children record it as the common things in relationship with others

Nevertheless, there are potential ways to solve these problems , or at least to reduce the effects. Firstly, government need to ban the TV programme and game online which contain violence and crime, and add more educational programmes in every TV station

The predominant factor resulting in crime among teenagers is that they tend to imitate what they ~~seen~~ see in society. It is evidence that curiousity is the basic characteristic of human being. While TV programme and game online show the violence, teenagers who watch these are curious and want to try the same thing as they ~~seen~~ see.