Unanswered [6] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3


Descriptive Essay A Memorable Place


teoster4o9 1 / -  
Sep 28, 2009   #1
I need to write a descriptive essay about a memorable place, my teacher told me to write in third person,but he told me not to use my name...

So I need some tips on how not to use my name... and use something else..

Several years ago, Andrew suddenly became nostalgic and decided to visit his homeland of Vietnam. He was only ten years old when he left his birth place but he still had some fond memories. When he came there, he found that some things had changed dramatically while others had stayed the same. There were some unexpected surprises, some of which Andrew wished did not happen. Still, Vietnam remains to be one of Andrew's most memorable places to visit and revisit.

Andrew landed in Ho Chi Minh City and after he got settled in, he explored the vaguely familiar streets and happened upon the Vinh Nghiem Temple. The pagoda styled building had a pair of stone lions flanking the main entrance and the murmurs of prayer could be heard even from the streets. The smell of incense crept into his nose as he approached the wooden doors of the temple. Inside he saw the gold-painted statue of Buddha surrounded by numerous offerings and food. Andrew remembered walking with his grandmother almost every week to pray.

The chime of the bell marked noon time and Andrew realized he was rather hungry. He made his way into the streets where vendors were selling a variety of fresh fruits and food including jackfruits, logans, and mangoes. As he walked by the concession stands he smelled the aroma of his favorite Vietnamese cuisine called "Phở". He proceeded in the direction of the noodle restaurant and sat in a rather small and fragile looking wooden chair. While pondering whether or not the chair would break, the waiter came and took his order. Within five minutes, he had a bowl of steaming noodles filled with meatballs, chicken, bean sprout, peppers, cilantro, and tendon. He ate the entire bowl right down to the very last drop of soup. He knew what is was like to be truly hungry so he did not wasted his food.

On his way back to his hotel room, he stopped by a bar to have a few drinks. He squeezed through all the people and finally got to the seat by the counter. He mentally told himself to not overdue it with the drinking but before he knew it, his old habit kicked in. Within ten minutes of entering the bar, he was singing the national anthem of Vietnam along with his new friends. Andrew did not remember much afterward except waking up the next day still in the bar with a headache the size of Mt. Everest. He also discovered his wallet was missing along with his silver watch and shoes. "Who steals shoes?" he thought furiously. While muttering curses underneath his breath, he recalled his sister repeatedly warning him to not get wasted though it did little to help him now.

Realizing he was short on money Andrew packed all of his belongings and was ready to leave his home country of Vietnam. Upon arriving at the airport terminal building he commemorate the time he had at this wonderful place. Although he had a unfortunate incident at the bar where he was robbed of his belonging, but in the end he made some great memory, like visiting the Vinh Nghiem Temple and where he prayed to the statue of Buddha and eating his favorite cuisine. Boarding his plane he looks at the scenery of his country one last time before leaving. In the future when he revisits his home country he knows not to overdue it drinking at the bar or else the same incident might happened again.
crash_report 1 / 2  
Sep 28, 2009   #2
I enjoyed the descriptions that were put into this essay. It reminds me of when I went. There are some small mistakes that are easily overlooked.

teoster4o9
He knew what is was like to be truly hungry so he did not wasted his food.

He knew what it was like to be truly hungry so he did not waste his food.

teoster4o9
Upon arriving at the airport terminal building he commemorate the time he had at this wonderful place.

Upon arriving at the airport terminal, he commemorated the time he spent...

Check for grammar of course, and there are some missing commas to distinguish the clauses.

It would be nice to talk about the distinct smell of Vietnam (I vaguely remember the scent) or the sound of the motorcycles honking in Saigon as it is a description of it thus using all senses of touch, smell, sound, taste, and visuals.
Stephen McGuire - / 2  
Sep 28, 2009   #3
I agree. I've never been in Vietnam, so your descriptions are helpful in making me feel what it is like there, in a small way.

Grammatically, there are some places that are a little rough. There is a place where you used although and but in the same sentence, and so the sense of the meaning is lost. Although works very well there. In the next clause don't use but .

Also, overdue means late . The word you want is overdo , which means to do too much.

The essay is excellent. If you make these small changes, it will be wonderful


Home / Writing Feedback / Descriptive Essay A Memorable Place
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳