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Descriptive Essay - A media event or a once in a lifetime event


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ok i am writing a descriptive on a media event or once in a lifetime..the assignment was given the week of 911 so naturally that is what i chose.now my problem is i'm a horrible writer.. absolutely ghastly..but anyways the point i wrote this essay then came to realize..'is this descriptive or an informative or something of the sort'..so here it is any feed back or changes you think i need to make to make it more of a descriptive helps..thanks in advance :)


The morning of September 11th, 2001 was just like any other, I was 10 years old at the time, turning 11 in 4 days. If I remember correctly it was a beautiful day, the sun bright, the sky as blue as the deepest ocean. It's a Tuesday morning, around 9 A.M, I was just coming back from Physical Education class drenched with sweat like any other day except on this day my teacher was sitting at her desk watching the news with tears in her eyes, walking in the room a rush of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew something bad had happened. When everyone asked her what was wrong she simply told us to watch the news. At the time I was young and didn't fully understand what was going on, now I understand the great impact 9/11 had on the world we live in.

I'm in class watching the news, and all I comprehend so far is that two airplanes have been hijacked by some terrorist and they have crashed into some buildings called the Twin Towers and that it was an act of something called terrorism. My teacher goes on to explain that terrorism is the pretty much the act of inflicting terror or fear, naturally I was scared, but not only for myself and my family, but for the people trapped in the buildings, and for the families of the people on the planes. I start to fully realize what's going on as I watch on and one of the buildings fall to the ground, crumbling down like blocks from a finished game of Jenga, the second Tower following shortly after, dust and debris engulf the streets of New York City like a huge tidal wave, civilians run away screaming in fear running into the first shop or office building in site. An aerial view of the city shows the streets painted in a white impenetrable dust. Eventually Parents start picking up their children from school early, I was one of them.

As I get home I turn on the news once again to see if I can find more information on this tragedy. They show clips of people jumping out of windows in desperation, and it turns out that two more planes have been hijacked; one crashing into The Pentagon which is the headquarters of the Department of Defense, and the other was meant to hit a target in Washington, D.C, but passengers realized what was happening and fought back causing the plane to crash in a field in rural Pennsylvania. The anchorman goes on to explain that this is the worst act of terrorism at the time and that thousands of people are expected to have died, and that so far there are zero plane passenger survivors, my heart sunk like a lead weight dropped in the middle of the ocean. I was devastated, I felt absolutely horrible.

I continue to watch as the day is coming to a close, the President of the United States, George W. Bush goes on the news to deliver a speech about the day's events, he was clearly in shock, obviously hurt and surprised that this has happened. It turns out that the main suspect for these attacks is a man by the name of Osama Bin Laden, a terrorist leader that has already gone through with a few terrorist attacks on our country, one of which a failed attempt to blow up the World Trade Center in 1993. As days turn to weeks a terrorist group by the name of Al-Qaeda claim responsibility for the attacks, I felt a fire burn in me, hot as the sun. I was furious at the people that have ruined thousands of family's lives just to prove a point. Eventually the President goes on to declare a war which is known by the name the War on Terrorism.

The day after I notice businesses left and right that have their American flags at half-staff, it showed me truly how patriotic and sincere the American people really were, it showed that in the end we are one and that we have to stick together to come out on top and to continue being the strongest and in my opinion the best country in the world

It's 8 years later as I write this and we still see the impacts of September 11th day in day out. Soldiers are being killed almost daily in the Middle East and the families affected will never be the same. The day this happened will be etched in my brain like a tattoo till the day I die, the passion of a million tears fell to the ground along with those towers and still the weeping of those people continue as memories of loved ones, still remain at that site. I am forever grateful towards the soldiers that have fought to keep our beliefs of freedom intact and to this day I am proud to say that I am an American.

Sep 20, 2009, 01:46am   #
Hi

Here are a few changes I suggest. I noticed you tend to write too long sentences. Try cutting it off into 2-3 sentences as long as it won't turn out to be run off sentence. Example:

It was a Tuesday morning, around 9 A.M, I was just coming back from Physical Education class drenched with sweat like any other day. However, on this day my teacher was sitting at her desk watching the news with tears in her eyes. Whilewalking in the room, a rush of sadness hit me like a ton of bricks, I knew something bad had happened.

sounds a good essay to me but looks more of an informative type. you often have a particular reason for writing your description. try to get in touch with this reason to help you focus your description and imbue your language with a particular perspective or emotion.

hope this one helps.
you can use methaphors, similes, analogies to help show and not just say things that describe emotions or feelings action ect. they are used alot in Poetry and music lyrics etc... eg" metaphors:the blistering sun, the sun seeped through my fingers, broken heart, fluttering heart beat, giving my heart away to my love

similes: comparing two things he jumped "LIKE" a kangaroo. he was "AS" big as a mountain.

Analogies: I think its like comparing two things that are different things but has some kinda similar feature or action or representation

eg. Americanized asians are like Bananas.[because are yellow outside/white inside....the yellow represents maybe asian skin tone or they look asian on the outside but white[caucasian like or culture on the inside] or the heart is like a Pump they dont look alike but they kinda function the same way easier to picture the action.


I just skimmed the essay, but my teacher tells us stuff like "Why should the reader care about reading your paper" What is the purpose of the paper? What does the reader get out of reading this paper? are you just telling a story to waste peoples time?

and conclusions are the hardest to write, maybe good to look up definition and examples.

it usually also tries to make the reader think or want to take action or do something about it, or to give a warning or show consequences or maybe like what you are saying that We should be proud to be American or live in America [but then maybe you have to show examples why the terrorist hate American lifestyle freedom or how Americans is the land of opportunity or something maybe]



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