Unanswered [9] / Featured [2] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

Descriptive Essay: Joffrey's is My First Distance


answers: 4
Apr 20, 2009, 01:50am   #
Joffrey's is My First Distance

Joffrey's is my first distance when I enter ....... University, this where I study. I like the decoration for the coffee shop. I go there every day to drink or to eat, and for sure you will like the staff.

In the cool of early morning, I walk to the corner of the university to go to joffrey's. The first thing may draw your attention is the arrangement of gray circle shape tables in beautiful way, that make the place more wide. The second thing may draw your attention is the mixture of green and blue chairs which is plastic made. When you want to order you go to the sub-kitchen that is clean and made from ceramics on the top and it's woody from bottom, you can see white microwave and new shiny steely coffee machine that reflect the light rays.

Joffrey's serve many types of drinks and foods. When just pass by Joffrey's coffee shop you will smell the tasty delicious cheep coffee that refresh your mind and clear it. Coffee need something with it and the best thing is a hot crunchy chocolate cookie with chocolate chips that melt in your mouth. And when you get hungry you can choose any tasty sandwiches that is wonderful homemade.

Whenever you go there you will see a welcome smile on the staff face. They provide a perfect respectful service which is the best. The staff wears purple T-shirt as a costume. Haron is a casher who gets order and takes the money, he is organized polite person. Oliver makes coffee and juices, he is very nice and helpful also he makes the tastiest cocktail.

If you get a chance to come to the university make joffrey's your first distance, and try the tasty coffee with cookie and enjoy with the good service

Hello,

You have a great start! I have just a couple of suggestions.

I think "destination" would be a more accurate word than "distance".

One thing I would also make clear is a particular point of view. In the introduction and conclusion, I would speak directly to the reader. However, I would suggest that your main body be what you see, from your point of view, so that the reader can almost see, hear and even taste Joffrey's through your description.

The first thing that catches my attention is the beautiful arrangement of gray circle-shaped tables, making the place seem more wide.

When passing by Joffrey's coffee shop, I smell the tasty yet cheap coffee that refreshes and clears my mind.

I always see welcome smiles on the faces of the staff.

If you get a chance to come to the university, make Joffrey's your first destination, and enjoy the tasty coffee, a cookie, and the good service.

Hope this helps!
Excellent advice from Ned. I did not realize that you were trying to say "destination." That is much better than "distance."

I think you should write it all about you or all about "us", but ou should not switch around. Like this:

In the cool of early morning, you might walk to the corner of the university to go to Joffrey's. The first thing may draw your attention is ...

Good luck!!
May 2, 2009, 10:09pm   #
You might want to elaborate a bit on the descriptions, given that this is supposed to be a descriptive essay. So, you can smell the coffee. Great. So, what's the coffee smell like? Likewise, you could provide descriptions of the people you mention. At the moment, I can only picture generic mannequin-looking people standing around in purple t-shirts, grinning manically because their minds have rotted from too much caffeine, their eyes twitching spasmodically as their fingers flex and clench in anticipation of wrapping themselves around the throats of unwary customers . . .

Okay, so I'm exaggerating a bit . . . you did mention that they were welcoming and respectful (as a spider inviting a fly into a parlor?). But mainly, the only visual clues I have to work with are smiles and purple t-shirts. You need to provide more detail than that if you want your descriptive essay to be successful.



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓