I'm supposed to write a descriptive essay for a college English class. The essay should be about a place you spend a lot of time and only 2-3 paragraphs or 250-500 words. I have started a first draft and would like to know what you think about the first paragraph. Is it descriptive? Thank you very much for you help![/b]
In the cool of the early morning as I walk to my desk, I begin preparing myself to further my knowledge. As I settle into my chair, which has a soft green seat, I gaze out the open window, noticing the sun shining vibrantly upon the ground. Then I start feeling the warmth of the sun coming in through the open window. Birds begin singing their little morning songs and I hear faraway dogs barking for their breakfast. The cool air from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air into the room.
As my mind and thoughts come back inside the room, I look at my desk. It is covered with books, papers and a pile of mail which is strewn all over. I notice a coffee mug that was left from the previous day, the mug is olive green with a touch of dark brown around its edge. In the back of my desk I have a round metal container that I use for storing excess change in. Sometimes, the container will spill over with coins, like a clogged gutter, spilling over with rainwater. In the middle of my desk is my computer monitor, with the keyboard in front and a speaker on each side. As I gaze over my desk, I remember that I should straighten up the books and papers that are covering my desk.
My lamp stands next to me like a statue standing in the middle of town. The lamp has a golden finish with a yellow lampshade. Currently the lampshade, which my brother repaired, is hanging on by three pieces of a wire hanger. The smallest bump or shake of the lamp and the lampshade will fall off, causing me to have to spend time repairing it. I'm glad that I'm not using the lamp this morning because of another problem with the lamp switch. The switch is very sensitive, meaning that when I attempt to turn the switch on the light may come on or flash on and then off. It has had this problem for a while but I have become used to it and can turn it on with little or no problem. This morning I will not use the lamp because the sun is brightly shining and is casting light over the entire room, also giving light to my desk and giving it a pleasant warm inviting feeling.
In the cool of the early morning as I walk to my desk. I'm changing stagger to walk because I do not think that I stagger to my desk.
Greetings!
I think that your descriptions are very good! I suppose the staggering depends upon how much a "morning person" one is or isn't! :-)
Here are some editing tips:
I start feeling the warmth of the sun coming in through the window; the cool air, from the early morning, quickly fades away as the wind blows the warm air into the room.
Birds begin singing their little morning songs and I hear faraway dogs barking for their breakfast.
The mug is olive green with a touch of dark brown around the top of the mug's edge. (Although, "around its top edge" would be better.)
Good writing!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
Hello Sarah,
Thank you very much for editing tips. I like your idea about the staggering part, I'm thinking about adding it back into my essay, because 1. I'm not much of a morning person, 2. I like how it flows. Which one would you use?
I'm also posting the revised draft, could you look it over to? Again, thank you very much for giving me editing tips and ideas.
Randy
Greetings!
You're welcome, I'm happy to help! I think you've added some nice touches. I have a few suggestions for you:
The cool air from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air
into the room. - One thing I notice you do a lot is repeat words within a sentence. Your writing will hold more interest if you vary your word choices more. For example, I might reword this as "The cool breeze from the early morning quickly fades away, as the wind blows the warm air into the room. "
In the back of my desk I have a round metal container that I use for storing excess change. [delete in]
Again, vary word choice: Sometimes, the container will overflow with coins, like a clogged gutter, spilling over with rainwater. (I really like this metaphor! :-))
As I gaze over my desk, I remember that I should straighten up the books and papers that are covering its surface.
You might want to add one more line about how you are now ready to commence your day. And I do think "stagger" is a great verb there; just to make sure your reader knows you're not hung over, you might add something about how you need your morning coffee, or you're not a morning person, or something that better explains the staggering. I do think it makes a much more interesting verb than "walk," though.
Keep up the good work!
Thanks,
Sarah, EssayForum.com
