Unanswered [13] / Featured [2] / Urgent [0]
 

Home / Writing Feedback /     

Describe the changes and development of a village called Chorleywood...IELTs test


answers: 5
Jul 29, 2011, 05:20am   #
Hello, everyone,
I work on essays for English test and graduate admission. Due to the poor ability, please be kind to give me some advice either on ideas or grammar. I will embrace gratitude for anyone who ever tried to help me out!
********************************************************************** ******************
Prompts: Chorleywood is a village near London whose population has increased steadily since the middle of the nineteenth century. The map below shows the development of the village. Write a report for a university lecturer describing the development of the village.
********************************************************************** ******************
The illustration demonstrates, from 1986 to 1994, the changes and development in Chorleywood which is a village close to London. In this map, it is clear that roads are built in Chorleywood in which the population built up along the main arteries as well.

During the initial 15 years, 1868-1883, civilians of Chorleywood led their lives in a small community right next to the north-south main road. In that period of time, there were only two main roads which intersect to each other outside the village. Between 1883 and 1922, while the citizens expanded themselves, almost triple their original size, an east-west railway was built crossing the village; at the same time, a Chorleywood station unveiled itself to the world. Then over the next 58 years, 1922-1970, the population spiraled along the railway both eastward and westward. From 1970 to 1994, since a highway was built crossing to both of the main road and railroad, the population of Chorleywood was flourished surrounding the main roads, the motorway and the railway in which there were Chorleywood Park and a Golf course.
Jul 30, 2011, 07:03am   #
In that period of time, there were only two main roads which intersect to each other outside the village
-> In that period of time, there were only two main roads which intersected to each other outside the village
Jul 30, 2011, 07:34am   #
Hei there! :D

First of all, I suggest you go over the tenses again. You could make a table or draw an axis and then put that piece of paper somewhere you will see it all the time. Tenses can be hard to understand, but they are worth mastering.

Also, always keep in mind the essay structure (introduction, body and conclusion). Try to write this essay again and give it more depth. Don't make it just about the roads in Chorleywood. You could explain perhaps how this helped the community develop economically and socially.

You don't have to be a grammar pro to figure out how to write a half-decent intro. Perhaps it would be better to avoid juggling around with sentences; keep things simple and try to imagine taking steps. You will build a sentence one step at the time.
i.e.: The illustration demonstrates, from 1986 to 1994, the changes and development in Chorleywood which is a village close to London.
Chorleywood, a village close to London, has shown remarkable change and development between 1986 and 1994. [step 1:What is Chorleywood? step 2: Why are you bringing it up?]

In this map, it is clear that roads are have been built in Chorleywood in which the population built up extended along the main arteries as well.(this is a detail you shouldn't mention here, you want to keep the reader interested in what you're saying)
According to the given map, the biggest progress consists in the extension of the road network.


During the initial 15 years, 1868-1883, civilians of Chorleywood led their lives lived in a small community right next to the north-south main road in the North-South.

In that period of time, there were only two main roads which intersected to each other outside the village. Between 1883 and 1922, while the citizens expanded themselves, almost triple their original size,(/while the population of the village tripled,) an east-west railway was built crossing the village; at the same time, a Chorleywood station unveiled itself to the world.

Then Over the next 58 years, 1922-1970, the population spiraled along*(/depended on; grew along) the railway both eastward and westward(this sentence could use some editing). From 1970 to 1994, since a highway was built crossing to both of the main road and the railroad, the population of Chorleywood was flourished surrounding the main roads, the motorway and the railway in which there were Chorleywood Park and a Golf course (?).

______________
*- "spiral"(vb.) = 1. to assume or cause to assume a spiral course or shape 2. (intr.) to increase or decrease with steady acceleration: wages and prices continue to spiral (I would rather use this if you must talk about finances and such.)
Jul 31, 2011, 09:25am   #
Amrosca,

I really appreciate your contributions to my essay. Admittedly, to me, sentenses you just wrote make more sense, and it's like being written by a native speaker. Thank you a million!!!!

What you think of me is exactly right! I always juggle around with sentense-diversity, and I can't even start to write due to that!

I will practice more and try to get better!!!

I have some questions and I wish you can help me out here.

Firstly, speaking of the essay structure, should I always end a essay with a conclusion or it is ok with no conlusion at the end of a essay?

Secondly, how to write an article with more profoundly when there is a word-limitation there? I have refered to other related essays on line and I found that I have a difficulty expressing myself with short and precise sentences. Would you give me some advice to that issue?

Again, I really value what you have done to me!!

Aleaf
Jul 31, 2011, 10:37am   #
aleafsun:
should I always end a essay with a conclusion or it is ok with no conlusion at the end of a essay?


Well, aleaf, when you write an essay, you write it for a reason. Perhaps, you find the subject interesting, perhaps it's a matter you can relate to [we exclude the "it's-a-test" option here]. The point is, you want to transmit a message and the best way to do that is to maintain a classical essay structure. I think a conclusion is very important. If you've seen "The King's Speech", perhaps you remember that last radio broadcast about the beginning of WW1. And it's ending, the conclusion, was the most powerful part of the king's (um) essay. :)

aleafsun:
Secondly, how to write an article with more profoundly when there is a word-limitation there? I have refered to other related essays on line and I found that I have a difficulty expressing myself with short and precise sentences. Would you give me some advice to that issue?


Oh, I have problems with word limit too! What I personally try to do is focus on quality, not quantity. So, I mention the most important aspects I must take into consideration and -if there's any room left- I add the most relevant details. There's really no other option here than really trimming your ideas down to the core.
However, if it's not a serious essay you can, of course, just play around with words. :D

My Romanian teacher gave me some great advice last year: "A good writer keeps things simple." And most of the times honestly, simplicity can be your best ally.
Jul 31, 2011, 10:29pm   #
Dear Amrosca,

I don't know how to show you my gradtitude rose from my deep heart after reading your advices!! It is truly touched! I appreciate your time and efforts you have spent here!!! ^^

Best regards,
Aleaf



Home / Writing Feedback /

Thread closed ✓