Thank you very much Collin
I really apreciate it. I actually was reading one of your comments on an essay which I found it vey useful, when I came back I have already put some comment on my essay. This kind of elaborative suggestions make us to say: this site is a perfect place for improving our writing. After finding this site I can say I love to write in english
No problem Aria! I'm very glad I could help :) I've done a lot of writing, and I know how hard it is if someone just mentions one thing. It's easier to get better when someone takes the time to read through the whole essay and identify the things that can be improved. I figure if I'm expecting that from other people that I need to give that kind of feedback to others as well.
during the throughout
tried as groups, countries, tribes, etc
, to create one of these communities. However
because of different due to various
its their effort efforts
could not have
I don't feel that I explained myself very well in my previous post. I showed some examples of what could be changed, but I didn't really explain why.
There are some words in the English language that mean similar things, but fit better in certain sentences than in others. I replaced "during" with "throughout" for that reason.
I removed the word "the" because "the history" would refer to one particular history. If you take out "the", then the word "history" now refers to all history.
I removed "always" because in this case, it is a qualifier. What this means is that it changes the quality of the word it is modifying. This can lead to entirely different meanings of sentences. Amazing the power that one word can have, isn't it? For example, the sentence was originally written "Human beings... history always tried..." This sentence kind of makes it sound like that humans have been mainly focused on creating communities like this and not doing much else. I can't exactly figure out what I want to say, if that makes sense. I can't put what I'm thinking into words in regards to that, so I apologize if it doesn't make sense.
The reason I moved "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" was because a different meaning was implied that what I believe you intended.
"... always tried to create one of these communities as groups, countries, tribes, etc," to me makes the sentence a little bit unclear. If "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" is put before
the "create one of these communities" it makes things a little bit clearer. Now, it kind of sounds like the humans worked together with the people in their groups and countries to try to create these communities. If "as groups, countries, tribes, etc" comes after
"create one of these communities", the sentence then kind of sounds like that humans tried to create the communities by forming groups, tribes, and countries. Can you see what I mean? I'm sorry... I'm having a little bit of trouble getting things from my mind to the screen at this point, so I'm sorry if these things don't make a lot of sense.
I changed "its" to "their" because the sentence began by talking about humans, which is plural, and "its" is singular. Does that make sense?
I added an "s" to "effort" because there were many efforts to create these kinds of communities, not just one effort. I changed "result" to "results" for the same reason... because there were more than one effort, there would also be more than one result.
I hope this helps a little bit more. Good luck!