I tried to do some small changes on your writing, which are most grammatical, but I think you need to work more on the structure of your writing. because you did not mentione the entire title and its question, it is hard to help you. still I don't know if you really answer the task question, which is very impotant for your scoring.
good luck and happy writing
In most countries youngsters are (with or suffer from)
lack of free time for their leisure activities
and they are which
in terms of their
studies. Indicating the major causes of this condition and giving some suggestions are included in this essay.I believe it is not a good idea to give your argument or reasion like this. it is better to include them in your introduction.
Nobody can deny that the key to success lies under hard work.
Thus, everyone wants to be successful and happy (repetition and unrelated to this part of the sentence and lose your writing coherence)
The competition for success, however, is the main cause for young people, which makes them concentrate only on their school performance.
the competition for succes can be the main reason ,which young people to to concentrate only ontheir school performance.
Consequently, youths are
spend most of their time learning academic subjects rather than socializing with peers .
In addition, parental pressure is
another factor that leads
the situation to look
more worse. For example, as soon as a student arrives from school, he is controlled by his parents, who make him to
homework. Therefore, both education authorities and parents are having incredible influence on young.With a little revision the argument in previous sentence could be very nice.
As for the solutions,
it can be suggested I believe
that establishing a proper lifestyle is the thing which helps one cope with the pressure. In other words,
doing all the activities that one would like to do is supposed to be a logical plan for your study and spare time is a
good way of living. For example, communicating with friends also helps forget about the current problems and you can always enjoy chatting with them. Furthermore, doing various sports is the next thing that one can do in order to release the pressure.
In conclusion, people come to life not for having leisure, but for deserving for success and enjoying the results of hard work they have done
. But still they have to keep both leisure and obligations in moderation.