Ielts task 2: In some countries the average weight of people is increasing.

Topic:
In some countries the average weight of people is increasing and their levels health and fitness is decreasing.
What do you think are the causes of these problems and what measures could be taken to solve them?
Answer:

In the course of the last hundred years, the average weight of people in some countries has increased perceptibly. Simultaneously, the levels of health and fitness of those people have worsened significantly. In this essay, I am going to discuss the primary reasons of this issue and give some solutions to them.

To begin with, one of the principal reasons of increasing the weight of some people is sedentary lifestyle, which is mainly caused by the development of technology. For example, in earlier times, the sources of amusement were not in large numbers and all of them required physical presence. Therefore, people at that time were more active, energetic and as a result they achieved healthier state too.

Nowadays, there are a vast numbers of entertainments such as the Web surfing, television, computer games, which don't necessitate physical activities. From my point of view, one of the salient solutions to this problem is to advertize widely the negative effects of sedentary lifestyle and prosecute explanatory works.

Further and even more importantly, fast foods also have an immense impact on fatness. One must admit that we have benefited from them greatly, because of its compactness and time efficiency. But at the same time, fast foods are making us overweight day by day; as such foods are incredibly high in fat. For example, in the USA, many people suffer from fatness, which causes some serious ailments. Because they consume fast foods to excess in order to save time. In my opinion, restrictions are irrelevant in this case; therefore it would be better if every individual decides whether to consume them or not.

The aforementioned evidences examine that the accurate advertisements of drawbacks of sedentary lifestyle and avoiding detrimental foods are the best solutions and the sources of progress.

(296 words)

Your intro:


This is good. However, some points are verbose.


It is always better to start with:
1. I highlight the key points.
2. Then rephrase the question.

Here are they:
average weight = obesity
levels health and fitness is decreasing = lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness
the causes = the main factors
to solve them = to tackle the problems

Here you go:
A general lack of wide-ranging health care and fitness leads health problems. One example is obesity. I would argue life-changing decisions can be the main factors. I too believe the best measures can be taken to tackle the problems

To begin with(I know this is a good phrase for an opening paragraph. However, you may omit it if you think that you want avoid overusing words) , one of the principal reasons of increasing the weight of some people is sedentary lifestyle(should be a plural form. Write sedentary lifestyles) , which is mainly caused by the development of technology. For example, in earlier times, the sources of amusement were not in large numbers and all of them required physical presence( I didn't catch this area. If you could, rewrite it) .

Sure:) Thank you!


Firstly, thank you for your comments!
Secondly, yes I can rewrite it:
For example, in earlier times, the types of entertainment were not so in large numbers as now and all of them required physical efforts (I mean people didn't spend most of their time in front of TV and other tools ).

Aha ! I see


I like this. The word combination is very good :D
Other combination: the salient points of the report.


this is OK. But, I prefer using a noun clause: What is more important is that...



each individual + NOUN. E.g each individual leaf on the tree is different | the needs of the individual customer
Or simply write: every person

Anyway, when the exam? :D

If you mean IELTS, I will take it in 3 years) Because, now I am 15 years old and I have to finish school and college)
Thank you for all)