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Note: maybe my essay is little bit longer. nevertheless, hope you read it entirely and leave some review below. if so, i will really appreciate not only your time but also your pure sincere.
First, this essay have to be under 500 words according to the policy. However, my essay is written almost 900 words. I don't know how can i make them in 500 words. Second, i know that i made lot of mistakes in grammar and structure; therefore, i wanna make every single mistake up. Third, if you face vague something like what do you mean in this sentence or paragraph or what is the point of this sentence; something like this, you can tell me in comment section. i will write the solution as fast as i can. Finally, i just need an honest review. No matter what is little mistakes, i wanna know and make correct. Also i will appreciate for every review. Thank you!
Here is my essay... The prompt is "Why it is correct that you take this grant?" What is your reason that you have to take it?
Because I am "Progressive"
It was "eye-opening" morning of my life. Like the all morning, i got up without decent sleep and washed my faces reluctantly. Afterwards, I sat down at my desk and ate breakfast, spreading hard butter on soft bread. I eat this type of food almost every morning but I never forget to enjoy it. Although it is usually taste good, during this whole morning, the thoughts was really obsessing me and it made my breakfast horrible. How do I tell my parents about deciding quite the college and learn English? Then imagine you could affect well in your parent's decision, and then after that what would you do for learning English because you don't know everything that you need; only thing you know is learning English like native one. So you are like an extemporaneous tourist, who has climbed to Mountain without preparing.
Unprepared tourist's beginning
Since I become an enthusiastic desire to achieve the goal, I thought it would be easy to talk about my decision that I quit the college, Institute of Finance and Economics, where I had already applied and accepted before went to home for summer vacation. In reality, however, it was really serious problem for my parent because they were both conservative. At every dinner, we talked the advantages and disadvantages of my decision. Every day they reminded me how it is risky and needing lot of effort from me. They apparently considered it based on their "Conservative Outlook". In response, I promised to them every day how I want and strive for it. This argument still continued and become more serious problem day by day. Finally, in the end of the summer, everyone was sitting down on the divan when I come in home after playing long time football, and they was staring me so seriously like I have done something wrong for them. I was feeling guilty along with anxiety and trying to anticipate the problem in my mind. Fortunately, I realized that something goes right when my father said "we agreed with you after long contemplating your decision. "Ooh my God, thank you so much" I said and felt huge relief. I still couldn't believe they had just agreed with me until my mom "Remember everything is up on to you, you have to strive for it". Then I come back UB ( capital city of Mongolia) with massive commitment and also transformed from an individual who has no purpose - who just followed the others like tumble-weed to an individual who has a huge dream in September, 2014.
Unprepared tourist's Struggle
Now time to learn English. Before arrived here, the problem was Conservative parents and making argument with them seemed really hard to overwhelm. However, I realized it was nothing more than learning English. The period from September to November was the worst time of my life. I was like monkey which lost the way in the forest. But I didn't want to give up so easily. So I tried so hard and forced myself to be so hard, and finally I could find the manner to learn English. Every day, I memorized 50 words, wrote an essay and made some TOEFL tests. After a while, I had a habit... habit of practicing. I have practiced and decided to take TOEFL for four months. I can't say that I had full of confidence to get ninety or hundred point, but I hoped to get over sixty point on the TOEFL. I got it! I was really proud of myself because I reached the goal. Maybe some would say it was not great score. Yeah, they are right. But know what? I had a poor English, couldn't write, speak, and even listening well before started the practice. Nevertheless, I got sixty five points on the TOEFL and it means I improved. Lincoln said "I am a slow walker, but I never walk back". Yes he was right. I didn't walk back, but i walked forward.
Well, again one question "Do you stop now? ". Of course, the answer was "NO". After completing TOEFL, I changed the direction from TOEFL to SAT (Subject tests including Math 2 and U.S History ). In this time, the practice seemed fine because I loved Math. So this gave me a chance to focus on only U.S History. I have never studied U.S history before in high school, but the good news was that I found a great book (AMSCO), which covered 30 subtopics, for SAT 2 (U.S History). Then I made a tight plan in which I had to study one subtopic every day and one full practice test once a week. In addition, I ought to finish it within 2 months. I did everything correctly according to the plan, and I took it on July 6, 2015. Although I have not yet received my score, I improved. By taking it in U.S History and Math, I strengthened variety social science knowledge such as political, society, economic and math. Everything that I studied was valuable for me. Again, I was proud of myself for walking forward not back!
Now, you may ask me "Why you have to get BUOP's grant? If so, I would say that "because I am Progressive". I will never walk back, but I will always walk forward. Before eight months ago, I was an extemporaneous tourist. While now, I am a tourist who is picking their tools up gradually from the mountain's shops while climbing. The only zenith of this mountain will be the end of my journey.
I will try to help you with grammar later. I would rather focus on meaning first to reduce the words in your essay.
1st paragraph: Delete the sentence about you enjoying your breakfast every morning.
2nd paragraph: Keep these sentences and make these changes:
(1st, 2nd, 4th, and 8th). The 8th sentence should read: "Finally, in the end my father said "we agreed with you after long contemplating your decision." Then discuss your mom's reaction with: "My mom said "Remember everything is up on to you, you have to strive for it"." Delete this part of the last sentence: "- who just followed the others like tumble-weed".
3rd paragraph: Maybe you should start with the period between September and November to make your essay shorter. Here are some of the sentences I think you can keep: "I got it! I was really proud of myself because I reached the goal. Then, I got sixty five points on the TOEFL and it means I improved." Keep the Lincoln quote but use it in the last paragraph.
There are some problems with grammar, but you did a fantastic job with this paragraph.
4th paragraph: Delete the first two sentences. You could adjust this paragraph by only discussing the tight plan you had to complete the SAT. Also, July 6, 2015 is the wrong date. Do you mean July 6, 2014? Delete the sentence after you discuss this date because you don't know your score.
5th paragraph: Honestly, I think that the end is fine. However, the Lincoln quote could be the third sentence in this paragraph.
thank you man. I am really appreciate for your advice. But the deadline is June, 24. if you don't mind, i want to make you review as fast as you can.
i think i made all your point into my essay. Now it become like this. Still little bit longer but much better than previous one.
Because I am "Progressive"
It was "eye-opening" morning of my life. Like the all morning, i got up without decent sleep and washed my faces reluctantly. Afterwards, I sat down at my desk and ate breakfast, spreading hard butter on soft bread. Although it is usually taste good, during this whole morning, the thoughts was really obsessing me and it made my breakfast horrible. How do I tell my parents about deciding quite the college and learn English? Then imagine you could affect well in your parent's decision, and then after that what would you do for learning English because you don't know everything that you need; only thing you know is learning English like native one. So you are like an extemporaneous tourist, who has climbed to Mountain without preparing.
Unprepared tourist's beginning
Since I become an enthusiastic desire to achieve the goal, I thought it would be easy to talk about my decision that I quit the college, Institute of Finance and Economics, where I had already applied and accepted before went to home for summer vacation. In reality, however, it was really serious problem for my parent because they were both conservative. Every day they reminded me how it is risky and needing lot of effort from me. They apparently considered the questions based on their "Conservative Outlook". Finally, in the end of the summer, everyone was sitting down on the divan when I come in home after playing long time football, and staring me so seriously like I have done something wrong for them. I was feeling guilty along with anxiety, and trying to anticipate the problem in my mind. Fortunately, I realized that something goes right when my father said "We agreed with you after long contemplating your decision" and then mum added "Remember everything is up on to you, you have to strive for it". I felt good relief and I knew it was huge responsibility for me. Anyway the first mission, taking almost whole summer struggling, was completed.
Unprepared tourist's Struggle
The period from September to November was the worst time of my life. I was like monkey which lost the way in the forest. But I didn't want to give up so easily. So I tried so hard and forced myself to be so hard, and finally I could find the manner to learn English. Every day, I memorized 50 words, wrote an essay and made some TOEFL tests. After a while, I had a habit... habit of practicing. I have practiced for four months and decided to take TOEFL. I can't say that I had full of confidence to get ninety or hundred point, but I hoped to get over sixty point on the TOEFL. I got it! I was really proud of myself because I reached the goal - I got sixty five points. Maybe some would say it was not great score. Yeah, they are right. But know what? I had a poor English, couldn't write, speak, and even listening well before started the practice. Nevertheless, I got sixty five points on the TOEFL and it means I improved.
Well, again the question "Do you stop now? ". Of course, the answer was "NO". After overcoming TOEFL, I changed the direction from TOEFL to SAT (Subject tests including Math 2 and U.S History). In this time, the practice seemed fine because I loved Math. So this gave me a chance to focus on only U.S History. I have never studied U.S history before in high school, but the good news was that I found out a great book (AMSCO), which covered 30 subtopics. Then I made a tight plan of two months in which I had to study one subtopic every day and one full practice test once a week. I did everything correctly according to the plan, and I took it about 1 month ago. I have not yet received my score; however, by taking it, I strengthened variety social science knowledge such as political, society, economic and math. Everything that I studied was valuable for me. Again, I was proud of myself for walking forward not back!
Now, you may ask me "Why you have to get BUOP's grant? If so, I would say that "because I am Progressive". Lincoln once said "I am a slow walker, but I never walk back". Yes he was right. I didn't walk back, but i walked forward and will still walk forward. Before eight months ago, I was an extemporaneous tourist. While now, I am a tourist who is picking their tools up gradually from the mountain's shops while climbing. The only zenith of this mountain will be the end of my journey.
I have suggested some more changes. Yet, some of the information isn't deleted, so the paper is going to be over the required number of words. Please make these changes so you can make revisions to your paper. Also, in your title you could include Learner after Progressive because it would show you are continually learning.
Because I am "Progressive"
You need to place "an" before eye-opening. Use "an" rather than "a" when the first letter in the next word is a vowel. Also, in this same sentence replace of with "in". The next sentence, replace "the all" with "every". Make sure you capitalize "I" throughout your paper. Face should be singular. Delete the -s.
Change this sentence to: "Although it was usually good, during this whole morning, my thoughts were really obsessing me and it made my breakfast horrible."
Explanation for the changes: You needed to replace it with "my" because the reader would be unsure what thoughts you were trying to express. Also, you needed to change was to "were" because you used thoughts and that is plural.
You need a transition word for the next sentence. Here is an example:
"For example, I had to tell my parents about deciding to quit college and learn English."
In the next sentence, you can discuss how you didn't know everything but wanted to learn how to speak English correctly. The next sentence add "a" before mountain. Mountain should be in all lowercase letters.
Unprepared tourist's beginning
Stay in the past tense. If you write is, change it to was. After you discuss how your parents reminded you about the effort you needed, delete the next sentence. Begin a new sentence with, "Finally". Then discuss what your father said. The sentence would read like this: Finally, my father said "We agreed with you after long contemplating your decision". Begin a new sentence with what your mom added or said.*
*If you don't delete some information your paper will go over the required words. Then it becomes difficult to change mistakes because you may need to add or delete information. Please make this change so you can check how many words you have written.
Unprepared tourist's Struggle
These two sentences have been changed because there is too much information in both sentences:
"So I tried hard, and finally I learned English."
"After awhile, I had a habit of practicing."
Delete the first two sentences in the next paragraph. Your paragraph should begin with, "After overcoming TOEFL..." Also, delete the last sentence in this paragraph.
oke, i got all of your point and revise it again. the words become about 640, and it seems like easy to read when i read fast. I think it is pretty much better than previous drafts. Finally, do the all suggestions that you wrote above is the end of your revise or do you again want to say something? if it is the end, how about you conclude my essay? Good or Bad? and i concern that should i delete subtitles such as " unprepared tourist's beginning" and " unprepared tourist's struggle?
Hi lcturn87. I wanna say big thank you because i got this grant yesterday after short interview. it was my first essay for grant. i have never imagined i can take any kind of grant before. This little achievement was really big motivation for me. I am really happy for now. I don't know another words except thank you. You are MY HERO!
