Hi, I cannot grade your essay, but I will give you feedback on some sentences.__________________________
Contrary to Velleman's opinions, I believe that our society is not expressive enough!
I would omit the exclamation point to be taken more seriously:Contrary to Velleman's opinions, I believe that our society is not expressive enough
!._____________________________
There are still many who are forced to keep their thoughts and feelings private, especially those from mental health issues, due to conflicting social stigma.
Let me reword this to improve the style:There are still many who are forced to keep their thoughts and feelings private, especially those
fromwith mental health issues
, due to conflicting social stigma .
____________________________
Andreas Lubitz is one of those people.
He is now dead, so you need to use "was" instead of "is":Andreas Lubitz
iswas one of those people.
____________________________
However, he hid this information from his employer-in fear of termination on grounds of mental sickness-and continued to fly for Germanwings.
Try not to start sentences with "however." Also, you don't need the dashes. Let me show you how to write it without them:However, heHe hid this information from his employer
-in fear offor fear of termination
on grounds of mental illnessmental sickness-; tragically, heand continued to fly for Germanwings.
____________________________
If Lubitz was not economically pressured to keep his depression private and sought medical attention for his illness, the Germanwings crash would not have occurred.
The verb tense isn't right. I'll show you how to correct it:If Lubitz
washad not
been economically pressured to keep his depression private and
had sought medical attention for his illness, the Germanwings crash would not have occurred.
________________________
I hope that helps you some :)