Unanswered [2] | Urgent [0]
  

Home / Writing Feedback   % width Posts: 3


the consumption of different product + people are born with certain talents


Isi Amat 1 / -  
Feb 24, 2011   #1
Hello there,

this Saturday I have the IELTS test and I am trying to practice the writing part... Does anyone mind to correct my essays please? In which band do you think am I?

I did the test from Cambridge 7, Test 1.

Task 1:

The table presents data on the consumption of different products by people from five locations: Ireland, Italy, Spain, Sweden and Turkey. The items are organized in categories: food/drinks/tobaco, clothing/footwear and, the last one, leisure/education. The information is given in percentages and the table analyses the results of 2002.

As regards Turkey and Ireland, they are who spend more in food, drinks and tobaco with 32.14% and 28.91%, respectively. Both countries have similar decreasing behaviour with the other two categories, around 6.5% for clothing and footwear and roughly 3% for Leisure and Education. In comparison, Italy, Spain adn Sweden apend over 17% in the first category whereas their spending in the others is quite different. The most stiking change is the consumption between the first and second category. All countries spend much more in food, drinks and tobaco, around 16% an 32%, instead clothing, leisure and so on, in what the percentage is less than 10%.

Overall, we can see that the most spender in food is Turkey and Ireland whereas Sweden is the least with 15.77%. Another noticeable difference is that Spain is who spends less in leisure an education, almost 2%, while Turkey spends around 4.5%

TASK 2:
" It is generally believed that some people are born with certain talents, for instance for sport or music, and others are not. However, it is sometimes claimed that any child can be taught to become a good sports person or musician.

Discuss both these views and give your own opinion"

Nowadays, there are many people who have been considered very successful in their sport or musician career. Michael Jackson, John Lenon, Messi and so on are good examples to bear in mind. They are people who have born with a natural talent. But, there are many others such as Rafael Nadal, Jack Johnson who have been training their skills since they were kids. This is why it is often claim that not only talented people could be successful, also kids can learn skills, habits and methods to be good at singing or doing sport.

Firstly, kids learn faster than adults and we can consider many reasons, for instance they do not have fear because they did no experienced a bad situation before. For example, while they are playing football they are not worried about damage theirselves. Another factor which contributes to learn faster is that they do not have previous bad habits so they do not need to correct bad techniques, and so on. For instance, it is common to see on the music TV programs how teachers constantly correct the prospective singers.

As regars people who born with talent, they also need to train and develop their own skills. Athough they have more ability and more advantages than others, they can not be relaxed. Therefore, they have to work hard to take advantage of their natural talent because today there is a huge comptence in the music or sport field. Moreover, if they do not develop well their talent, they will probably loose it or they will not improve as well as they could do.

To conclude, after mention the different views we could say that wether or not talented, people who want to be successful in their career such as music or sport they should enroll in a well-organised program to develop their abilities. It is true that for talented people, improve and be successful, will be easier but there are many other people who will work hard and they also will success in that field.

Could you tell me in which band am I ???
Thank you very much for your patience and help!!!!

:)
megiacodon 5 / 15  
Feb 24, 2011   #2
I'm not an English-native speaker, but based on my knowledge, maybe you'll get 5.5- 6.0 for your essay.
"Firstly, kids learn faster than adults and we can consider many reasons, for instance they do not have fear because they did no experienced a bad situation before. For example, while they are playing football they are not worried about damage theirselves. Another factor which contributes to learn faster is that they do not have previous bad habits so they do not need to correct bad techniques, and so on."

In my opinion, this part is redundant because the topic is the role of talent and training in success, not the matter of learning early or not.
EF_Kevin 8 / 13,321 129  
Mar 4, 2011   #3
Yep, this is very strong... only people with excellent command of English can write like this.

task 1
If possible, add a sentence to the end of the first paragraph that can be like the theme or main, overarching idea of this essay. That is hard to do with this kind of essay, but you can do it. It can be almost anything, as long as it reflects a theme or idea you get from this chart.

clothing/footwear and, the last one, l eisure/education. ---This is superfluous.
clothing/footwear, and leisure/education. ---Keep it simple.

Also, at the end of the last paragraph, I think you should add a sentence if possible. Again, just like at the end of the first paragraph it can be about that theme you use to make the essay memorable.

task 2
Nowadays, many people have been considered very successful in their sport or music careers. Michael Jackson, John Lenon, Messi and so on are good examples to bear in mind.

...they are not worried about damage theirselves themselves. Another factor ...

which contributes to learn faster learning is that they ...

To conclude, after mention the different views we could say that, whether or not talented, people who want to be successful in their career such as music or sport they should enroll in a well-organised program to develop their abilities. It is true that for talented people, improve achieving improvement and success will be easier, but there are many other people who will work hard, and they also will success in that field.

:-)


Home / Writing Feedback / the consumption of different product + people are born with certain talents
Writing
Editing Help?
Fill in one of the forms below to get professional help with your assignments:

Graduate Writing / Editing:
GraduateWriter form ◳

Best Essay Service:
CustomPapers form ◳

Excellence in Editing:
Rose Editing ◳

AI-Paper Rewriting:
Robot Rewrite ◳