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Compare and contrast of my children


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Oct 24, 2009, 12:40pm   #1
My teacher gave us an assignment to compare and contrast 2 things. I chose my 2 children as I, obviously know them well. My grammar needs major improvement. I would appreciate any and all feedback on my essay. It follows....

It is amazing how two individuals can grow up in the same household and yet have so many differences. Max and Sydney Welch are almost complete opposites in their personal preferences while their beliefs and views on family are very similar. Max and Sydney have learned what their parents find important and have adopted that towards themselves. In doing so, they have managed to maintain their individualities and this makes for a good variety.
Max and Sydney differ in many of their preferences. Max is the typical eight year old boy whose favorite color is blue or sometimes green. Sydney is the typical girl who at age six has the favorite color of pink and purple. Sydney often brings her taste in colors into her daily dress. She naturally picks out colorful outfits that are color coordinated. Max takes his taste in color and also puts it into his choosing of clothes, however often struggles with what clothes match. Max likes to look nice, as does his sister, however he often needs assistance, and does ask for it, when picking out clothes in the morning.

SEE BELOW

Oct 24, 2009, 12:59pm   #2
It seems as if you are saying that while Max and Sydney have many superficial differences, they share the same core values. You should probably state this as a thesis, and tie all of your paragraphs back to it. At the moment, you seem to mostly give the personal preferences equal weight in importance to the values, which makes the essay, especially the first half, seem like a bit of a random list.
Oct 24, 2009, 01:12pm   #3
Wow - I wish I would have discovered this board earlier!! Thank you so much for the feedback. I've made some changes and I am putting the new essay below.

Children
It is amazing how two individuals can grow up in the same household and yet have so many differences. Max and Sydney Welch are almost complete opposites at the superficial level while their beliefs and views on family, or core values, are very similar. Max and Sydney have learned what their parents find important and have adopted that towards themselves. Even while they have done this, they have managed to maintain their individualities.

SEE BELOW
Oct 24, 2009, 01:15pm   #4
Better. You can still tighten things up a bit, though.

brianw:
Sydney will also be outside on a sunny day, however her typical game of choice usually involves her in playing by herself.


This is fine, but you go on to repeat it a couple of more times. Condense the second half of this paragraph down. The point is clear enough not to need belaboring.


brianw:
Not all of their superficial attributes are different.


True, but not something you need to bring up here. You are trying to draw a contrast, and this muddies the waters. I'd suggest cutting this paragraph.
Oct 24, 2009, 01:20pm   #5
how is this?

Children
It is amazing how two individuals can grow up in the same household and yet have so many differences. Max and Sydney Welch are almost complete opposites at the superficial level while their beliefs and views on family, or core values, are very similar. Max and Sydney have learned what their parents find important and have adopted that towards themselves. Even while they have done this, they have managed to maintain their individualities.

Their difference at the superficial level is obvious at the most basic level, color and coordination. Max is the typical eight year old boy whose favorite color is blue or sometimes green. Sydney is the typical girl who at age six has the favorite color of pink and purple. Sydney often brings her taste in colors into her daily dress. She naturally picks out colorful outfits that are color coordinated. Max takes his taste in color and also puts it into his choosing of clothes, however often struggles with what clothes match. Max likes to look nice, as does his sister, however he often needs assistance, and does ask for it, when picking out clothes in the morning.

Max loves sports. On a sunny afternoon, Max is usually found outside kicking a ball or running a bike. He typically chooses to play games that involve other people. Soccer, kick ball, and basketball are some of his favorite pastimes. If the weather is not appropriate for outside play, he would be content with being inside watching these same sports on the television. Max doesn't care who is playing, he just wants to watch the game for the sake of the game. Sydney game of choice usually involves her playing by herself. On occasion, she will step beyond her norm and join the games her brother plays, although her time involved will be short. Sydney would be content making up a game in her own mind and acting it out on the side of the house. If Sydney has friends over, she will invite them to play in her acting, infrequently getting them involved in a team type of game. Differences in playing style are not a core value, not something that makes their true selves. This difference makes the two look very different, while not revealing who they are when it comes to their values.

Another superficial difference is in their preference of dessert. While they both enjoy Macaroni and Cheese, as most American children do, their tastes in desserts can differ immensely. Sydney is not prejudice against any type of dessert. If the desert is considered a sweet, then she will partake and devour the entire portion. On the other hand, Max will partake with the desert, but often leaves it half eaten. Max enjoys the taste of cake and ice cream, he just does not like it to the same amount that his sister does. Frequently Max will pass his desert onto his father when he is done with it and then goes off to play.

While Max and Sydney have many differences, it is their similarities of their core values that create a close and loving family. Max and Sydney is each other's best friend. They are perfectly content playing with each other, at least once they agree on the game. Max and Sydney will look out for each other. Once when Max and Sydney were at their cousin's house, someone was picking on Sydney and causing her to cry. Max got up and immediately got in the way and pushed the cousin out of the way and defended his sister. Underneath all of those differences, they do have a great deal of love for each other and the rest of their family.

Max and Sydney have also experienced many camping trips. This exposure to the outdoors made them value what is found outside of the big cities. Some of their fondest memories involve a place they call "Uncle Harry's Cabin." This cabin sits on approximately 250 acres of land that is covered with trees, rocks and a small river. If a choice of what to do involved going to the cabin, the trip to the cabin always won. Max and Sydney enjoy walking along a trail and looking at the trees and grass. They enjoy finding a swimming hole along the river where they can take a plunge. A visit to this place often includes a bonfire which each will enjoy sitting around. Their love for the outdoors is immense.

Max and Sydney are very different when you look at them on their surface. As they get older, their differences in activities will grow further apart, however their love for each other and their family should remain a driving force in their lives. It is very likely that when Max gets married and has children, his children will all be involved in many team sports and sports will always be on TV. Sydney's family will enjoy the arts and crafts and her house will be full of her family's creations. Their families will look completely different, however the values that Max and Sydney have will be evident. It is these similarities that will always keep them together.



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